My friend recognized today that I am playing out perfectly the stages of grief. Going from initial shock, to guilt, to anger, and now to sadness and lonliness... with a little bit of acceptance.
I spent the last few months worrying about everything. I had so much going on in my life that I didn't have time to sit down and take a breath. I didn't even have time to think or reflect on the end of my relationship.
I had so much stuff to take care of, and more importantly, I thought and felt that I was obligated to take care of him. I realize now that this was unfair to both of us. But I didn't give myself a single thought. I didn't consider that my heart was broken too. That it didn't matter who ended the relationship, just that it was over and we are both sad. I'm just now starting to accept the fact that I am hurt.
I'm still angry. God, I'm angry! But I am letting myself be. I need to cry and yell. I need to feel.
My close friend told me that I need to pay more attention to myself. He meant it directly in the physical sense--seeing as I was nearly falling apart--but also in the emotional sense. He said I need to accept the fact that I just went through a really rough patch, and that I do not need to pretend to be okay. In fact, it is more harmful to convince myself that I'm okay than accept that I am not.
Another friend is encouraging me to take time to "deal." I should be sad right now, he says. I need time to heal, he says.
I have some amazing friends.
I just read my aunt's post about embracing life. She talks about the importance of feeling, of emotion and showing emotion. In it, she says that God gives us many similar paths, or similar opportunities to learn a lesson. I think this one is finally sinking in for me. I need to pay attention to myself, my body, my mind, my soul. This year needs to be about taking care of myself and getting back on my feet... but not rushing into it.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Catharsis... please?
I currently have my mother's old car. I am so thankful that I have parents who can help me out as my life decides to take all these crazy turns...
I brought it in to get an oil change about a week after I got it... and it is leaking coolant or somthing of the sort. So my parents fix it for me. I left my car there for two days... and then today, when I am almost to my house... the check engine light comes on, and it starts smoking.
Even though my bad car accident (or accident #1 as I like to call it) was about a month ago, I just started hurting this past week. First, just sore. Hard to get out of bed. Headaches. Really not that unusual for me. But every morning that I woke up, I felt worse. I went to the chiropractor, he asked my how I could function with my neck in the shape that it is in... said he had never felt it that bad before. So I had my massage therapist friend work on me. He did my neck last night. I didn't have a headache for a few hours and it was heaven!
But then, later that night as I was trying to sleep, I was in so much pain I my whole body was shaking. My lower back muscles were spasming, and everthing felt like it was trying to kill me. I don't think that I have ever been in that much pain before. Mostly because it was my whole body, not just one spot.
So my friend worked on my lower back and legs today. He asked me how I could even walk. My muscles were all bunched up in knots at the base of my spine...
usually, he can beat me up pretty good and I won't get hurt... meaning I like deep tissue massages... but at a few points today (and he was being gentle) I actually cried out it hurt so bad.
Then he tells me (after a severe muscle spasm going throughout my entire leg) that my knee is really messed up. I didn't even notice.
So what am I going to do about all this? Well, I tried calling the insurance adjuster who handled the claim on this accident, but he is out of town until tomorrow and not accepting messages. Even though I doubt he would return my call anyway. The other problem is that there are two claims on my insurance after that.
Apparently I somehow scratched the roof of the rental car... that one should be easy to claim that I didn't have an injury... especially since I have absolutely no idea how it happened. But the other one was me scratching a car as I was parking... I know I know... but my car is a frickin boat! It's huge!
I didn't even feel myself hitting the other car, but I don't know if it will affect their willingness to pay out for the first accident. I didn't report an injury because I felt totally fine. I was sore for a couple days, but really didn't feel anything for a month! Which, I guess is not that uncommon.
Anyway, this is how my new year is starting out. But I don't want to get down about it. It's hard not to... especially when I am laying in bed wanting pain killers, heating my knee, and icing my back.
I would apply for jobs, but the thing is, I am actually really out of it. I feel like I have done drugs or drank a whole bunch or something. I think it is just because I hurt that badly. All I have taken is ibuprofin. I don't even like pain killers. They made me crazy when I took them for my back last time.
I may go to the actual doctor tomorrow... especially if I can't make it through work. That is the scary part. What if I miss work, and the insurance company doesn't accept my claim?! I don't want to go through all this. I have seen what it can be like! It scares the crap out of me...
well, I guess just one thing at a time. Bring the car in again. call the insurance adjustor. go to the doctor if neccessary.
But for now, early bed time.
I brought it in to get an oil change about a week after I got it... and it is leaking coolant or somthing of the sort. So my parents fix it for me. I left my car there for two days... and then today, when I am almost to my house... the check engine light comes on, and it starts smoking.
Even though my bad car accident (or accident #1 as I like to call it) was about a month ago, I just started hurting this past week. First, just sore. Hard to get out of bed. Headaches. Really not that unusual for me. But every morning that I woke up, I felt worse. I went to the chiropractor, he asked my how I could function with my neck in the shape that it is in... said he had never felt it that bad before. So I had my massage therapist friend work on me. He did my neck last night. I didn't have a headache for a few hours and it was heaven!
But then, later that night as I was trying to sleep, I was in so much pain I my whole body was shaking. My lower back muscles were spasming, and everthing felt like it was trying to kill me. I don't think that I have ever been in that much pain before. Mostly because it was my whole body, not just one spot.
So my friend worked on my lower back and legs today. He asked me how I could even walk. My muscles were all bunched up in knots at the base of my spine...
usually, he can beat me up pretty good and I won't get hurt... meaning I like deep tissue massages... but at a few points today (and he was being gentle) I actually cried out it hurt so bad.
Then he tells me (after a severe muscle spasm going throughout my entire leg) that my knee is really messed up. I didn't even notice.
So what am I going to do about all this? Well, I tried calling the insurance adjuster who handled the claim on this accident, but he is out of town until tomorrow and not accepting messages. Even though I doubt he would return my call anyway. The other problem is that there are two claims on my insurance after that.
Apparently I somehow scratched the roof of the rental car... that one should be easy to claim that I didn't have an injury... especially since I have absolutely no idea how it happened. But the other one was me scratching a car as I was parking... I know I know... but my car is a frickin boat! It's huge!
I didn't even feel myself hitting the other car, but I don't know if it will affect their willingness to pay out for the first accident. I didn't report an injury because I felt totally fine. I was sore for a couple days, but really didn't feel anything for a month! Which, I guess is not that uncommon.
Anyway, this is how my new year is starting out. But I don't want to get down about it. It's hard not to... especially when I am laying in bed wanting pain killers, heating my knee, and icing my back.
I would apply for jobs, but the thing is, I am actually really out of it. I feel like I have done drugs or drank a whole bunch or something. I think it is just because I hurt that badly. All I have taken is ibuprofin. I don't even like pain killers. They made me crazy when I took them for my back last time.
I may go to the actual doctor tomorrow... especially if I can't make it through work. That is the scary part. What if I miss work, and the insurance company doesn't accept my claim?! I don't want to go through all this. I have seen what it can be like! It scares the crap out of me...
well, I guess just one thing at a time. Bring the car in again. call the insurance adjustor. go to the doctor if neccessary.
But for now, early bed time.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
New plan
I have been looking for jobs lately. A lot. And I have applied to many. However, there are not THAT many out there within the field that I am looking. I think I have already applied to all the development and grant writing jobs in the twin cities area... some even a bit outside the cities.
First step: expand my options. What else would I be good at? What else could lead to a position that I would like? Where the heck do I apply?
Step one needs a little work... I know what I want to do (grant writing) but I don't know what the second option would be... and it literally could be just about anything!
Step two: hit up all my contacts. This one is already in process... but I am waiting til after the holidays to followup with most of them. I know a few grant writers, a few people that work in nonprofits, and a few people that work for foundations. At the very least, I would get more ideas of where to look for jobs, or what other types of jobs would make for good experience.
Step three: Look in surrounding areas. Most of the jobs that I really want, and, well, jobs in general, are in the cities... but there are a few in Duluth, or Rochester... and even though I don't really want to live in those areas, it would be temporary.
Now, these last few are my fall back plans... or secondary, if you will...
Step four: Look for jobs in other states. The majority of nonprofit and foundation work is found in large cities... there are a lot in NY. I will not live there. I would not survive... but, I sure wouldn't mind living in San Francisco for awhile :) and there are plenty of other cities that I would consider for a year or two.
Step Five: (I like this one) Move to Hawaii and work in my cousins restaurant if I can't find a job.
Step Six: (I like this one even more) Go to Europe. Backpack. Work where and when I can. Have fun. Be poor... In Europe :)
Since my internship is now over, and I will only be working a maximum of five days a week now (instead of seven), my new 'job' is going to be job searching and applying. I am going to make myself spend as much time doing that as I would working at the children's museum. That's two days of work. .. If I do that, I think that I will find a job.
Also, to prevent myself from going crazy with boredom, I am going to start making clothes :) My wonderful mother bought me a dress form for Christmas, and I can't wait to use it!
I know it probably sounds strange to think that I would be bored working five days a week and spending a lot of time looking for jobs... but the thing is, I got used to working my seven days a week... or even the six days with one fourteen hour day in there. When I go from constantly doing everything to having nothing to do, I get a bit depressed. It is easy for me to become lethargic, and get upset about being lazy. I'm more likely to go out with friends and go climbing or snowboarding when I have to 'fit it in' somewhere in my week. If I have everyday off... well, I don't know how that works. It doesn't make sense, but it is just how I am. I think I get it from my mom. She is always doing a million things too.
I'm feeling a bit better today. Not so pitiful. Yesterday was just terrible because I woke up in a bad mood,and had a horrible day at work. It's much easier to keep an even keel when I'm not in a bad mood.
Anyway,
Happy New Year everyone! This one is going to be a good one!!!!!!!
First step: expand my options. What else would I be good at? What else could lead to a position that I would like? Where the heck do I apply?
Step one needs a little work... I know what I want to do (grant writing) but I don't know what the second option would be... and it literally could be just about anything!
Step two: hit up all my contacts. This one is already in process... but I am waiting til after the holidays to followup with most of them. I know a few grant writers, a few people that work in nonprofits, and a few people that work for foundations. At the very least, I would get more ideas of where to look for jobs, or what other types of jobs would make for good experience.
Step three: Look in surrounding areas. Most of the jobs that I really want, and, well, jobs in general, are in the cities... but there are a few in Duluth, or Rochester... and even though I don't really want to live in those areas, it would be temporary.
Now, these last few are my fall back plans... or secondary, if you will...
Step four: Look for jobs in other states. The majority of nonprofit and foundation work is found in large cities... there are a lot in NY. I will not live there. I would not survive... but, I sure wouldn't mind living in San Francisco for awhile :) and there are plenty of other cities that I would consider for a year or two.
Step Five: (I like this one) Move to Hawaii and work in my cousins restaurant if I can't find a job.
Step Six: (I like this one even more) Go to Europe. Backpack. Work where and when I can. Have fun. Be poor... In Europe :)
Since my internship is now over, and I will only be working a maximum of five days a week now (instead of seven), my new 'job' is going to be job searching and applying. I am going to make myself spend as much time doing that as I would working at the children's museum. That's two days of work. .. If I do that, I think that I will find a job.
Also, to prevent myself from going crazy with boredom, I am going to start making clothes :) My wonderful mother bought me a dress form for Christmas, and I can't wait to use it!
I know it probably sounds strange to think that I would be bored working five days a week and spending a lot of time looking for jobs... but the thing is, I got used to working my seven days a week... or even the six days with one fourteen hour day in there. When I go from constantly doing everything to having nothing to do, I get a bit depressed. It is easy for me to become lethargic, and get upset about being lazy. I'm more likely to go out with friends and go climbing or snowboarding when I have to 'fit it in' somewhere in my week. If I have everyday off... well, I don't know how that works. It doesn't make sense, but it is just how I am. I think I get it from my mom. She is always doing a million things too.
I'm feeling a bit better today. Not so pitiful. Yesterday was just terrible because I woke up in a bad mood,and had a horrible day at work. It's much easier to keep an even keel when I'm not in a bad mood.
Anyway,
Happy New Year everyone! This one is going to be a good one!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
So, why then?
If my heart breaks everytime I think about him, if I can't stop crying, if I hurt because I know I hurt him... then why did I break up with him?
I am fully aware that this is becoming the lamest possible blog ever created, but I can't help it. I still find myself questioning if what I did was right. Or if I have more of a chance of being happy.
Some days, I'm okay.
today, I am not.
Today, I miss my home. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay. I want someone to kiss me goodnight. I want to belong somewhere, to have a family, a home, a life shared with someone.
I hurt. And I don't know what to do.
I have felt like vomiting all day, and finally broke down in tears on my way home from work. I bawled my frickin eyes out in my car, and now I just can't seem to stop.
I know time heals, but what if I made a mistake.
I feel bad for how things ended.
I feel bad that I left him right before the holidays when he doesn't even have family in MN.
Part of me just wants to call him but I know I need more time.
I am fully aware that this is becoming the lamest possible blog ever created, but I can't help it. I still find myself questioning if what I did was right. Or if I have more of a chance of being happy.
Some days, I'm okay.
today, I am not.
Today, I miss my home. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay. I want someone to kiss me goodnight. I want to belong somewhere, to have a family, a home, a life shared with someone.
I hurt. And I don't know what to do.
I have felt like vomiting all day, and finally broke down in tears on my way home from work. I bawled my frickin eyes out in my car, and now I just can't seem to stop.
I know time heals, but what if I made a mistake.
I feel bad for how things ended.
I feel bad that I left him right before the holidays when he doesn't even have family in MN.
Part of me just wants to call him but I know I need more time.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Watch out...
This will be a bit of a bitch fest pity party....
So my graduating class is having a FIVE year reunion. Really?! Anyway, there are a few people going who I would really like to see. Like my wonderful friend who went to college in Seattle and I haven't seen for four years. That would be pretty awesome. My hesitation comes with seeing all the couples.
I don't know why or how, but everyone seems to be married and/or have kids. I certainly don't want this for my life yet, but honestly, I'm jealous.
Thinking of all these people who are happy with families and babies and lovers shouldn't make me want to puke.. but that is my first reaction.
I'm happy that they have found things that make them happy. I really am.
BUT...
I'm not sure that seeing all of that would be the best thing for me right now.
I had a home. a familiy of two. a garden. I was happy. I'm not now.
I threw all of it away, and regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, I have a hard time not missing those things. I can't help feeling like I broke my home. Another high school friend is getting married and I'm starting over.
I know it is stupid to be upset about this. I'm only 23 and things will change, and I will be happy again.
It just sucks for right now. And I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I think about it. Everytime I think about him.
Did I do the right thing? I can answer yes or no and wholeheartedly mean both.
On another note, if I haven't found a job by the end of February, I may move... to Hawaii... or Europe...
if the jobs aren't out there, I may as well live my life instead of waiting, right?
So my graduating class is having a FIVE year reunion. Really?! Anyway, there are a few people going who I would really like to see. Like my wonderful friend who went to college in Seattle and I haven't seen for four years. That would be pretty awesome. My hesitation comes with seeing all the couples.
I don't know why or how, but everyone seems to be married and/or have kids. I certainly don't want this for my life yet, but honestly, I'm jealous.
Thinking of all these people who are happy with families and babies and lovers shouldn't make me want to puke.. but that is my first reaction.
I'm happy that they have found things that make them happy. I really am.
BUT...
I'm not sure that seeing all of that would be the best thing for me right now.
I had a home. a familiy of two. a garden. I was happy. I'm not now.
I threw all of it away, and regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, I have a hard time not missing those things. I can't help feeling like I broke my home. Another high school friend is getting married and I'm starting over.
I know it is stupid to be upset about this. I'm only 23 and things will change, and I will be happy again.
It just sucks for right now. And I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I think about it. Everytime I think about him.
Did I do the right thing? I can answer yes or no and wholeheartedly mean both.
On another note, if I haven't found a job by the end of February, I may move... to Hawaii... or Europe...
if the jobs aren't out there, I may as well live my life instead of waiting, right?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Oh the things that happen...
Just when I am deciding that things MUST get better, they get worse. I was recently explaining to an out of touch friend what has been going on in my life lately and why I was moving. Just in case any of you forgot it goes something like this: Crackheads. Car broken into. Crackheads. Rats. Breaking up with my boyfriend. Crackheads.
Well I guess I decided that another thing had to be added to that list, so I crashed my car.
Ok. ok. Not entirely true. The crash wasn't my fault. And (thank God) no one was hurt other than being a little sore.
Different story entirely for my car... I don't even know if it is totaled yet because they are still looking up prices of parts. They said it doesn't look good.
This all happened last Sunday when I was moving. Yep. All my stuff was in my car. Luckily only a few things broke... like my laundry basket, a metal mixing bowl, a few little glass dish thingers, some art stuff, and my only plant died. Broke right in half. I'm SO happy that my albums and turn table were in my friends car, who was driving behind me and saw the whole thing happen.
She was so freaked out! She pulled over right away, and the first thing I see when I look up is her running through a snow bank to see if I was okay! :) What a sweet friend!
Well, that last disaster was aparently what I needed to snap out of this funk. I can't keep letting things build up. I have to focus on the happier things in life. And even though that is not easy, especially when I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend, it sure does pay off.
Shit happens. I have to deal with it.
I will also admit that standing up for myself to insurance adjusters and dealing with the car mess all on my own felt amazing afterward. For the first time, possible ever, I feel like I am okay alone. I can take care of myself.
As much pity as I was seeking before, or maybe it wasn't pity... just some sort of understanding on at least one other persons part... I don't want any now.
It sucks about my car. But I am taking care of it. I am living in a safe place. I am sleeping. I am actively looking for jobs.
I am getting my life together, and I didn't even realize how fallen apart it really was.
I wish that I could say things between me and Jonathan were less complicated. I am still struggling with that. It is hard for me to get past feeling like I broke my home.
But like I said earlier, focusing on the good will help.
Well I guess I decided that another thing had to be added to that list, so I crashed my car.
Ok. ok. Not entirely true. The crash wasn't my fault. And (thank God) no one was hurt other than being a little sore.
Different story entirely for my car... I don't even know if it is totaled yet because they are still looking up prices of parts. They said it doesn't look good.
This all happened last Sunday when I was moving. Yep. All my stuff was in my car. Luckily only a few things broke... like my laundry basket, a metal mixing bowl, a few little glass dish thingers, some art stuff, and my only plant died. Broke right in half. I'm SO happy that my albums and turn table were in my friends car, who was driving behind me and saw the whole thing happen.
She was so freaked out! She pulled over right away, and the first thing I see when I look up is her running through a snow bank to see if I was okay! :) What a sweet friend!
Well, that last disaster was aparently what I needed to snap out of this funk. I can't keep letting things build up. I have to focus on the happier things in life. And even though that is not easy, especially when I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend, it sure does pay off.
Shit happens. I have to deal with it.
I will also admit that standing up for myself to insurance adjusters and dealing with the car mess all on my own felt amazing afterward. For the first time, possible ever, I feel like I am okay alone. I can take care of myself.
As much pity as I was seeking before, or maybe it wasn't pity... just some sort of understanding on at least one other persons part... I don't want any now.
It sucks about my car. But I am taking care of it. I am living in a safe place. I am sleeping. I am actively looking for jobs.
I am getting my life together, and I didn't even realize how fallen apart it really was.
I wish that I could say things between me and Jonathan were less complicated. I am still struggling with that. It is hard for me to get past feeling like I broke my home.
But like I said earlier, focusing on the good will help.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Falling slowly
There is this song that always reminds me of Jonathan... oddly enough, it just came on when I put my music on shuffle. It is a song that will almost certainly make me cry evertime I hear it. But I just don't know how to interpret it. It can be so hopeful of fixing a relationship, or ending it to save yourself.
I came to the house today. I planned on packing a few things, and cleaning up some stuff. When I walked in the door, I saw that he had started packing for me already.
Why am I doing this?!!!!!
I keep second guessing myself. Hoping that just love is enough. But I don't believe it. I know that if I were to run back into his arms, all the same problems would still be there. I would only be happy for so long.
I don't know what I want in my life, in my future. Part of me wonders where all of this even came from.
I just can't help being so incredibly sad.
When I was at work this week, I just kept thinking, I want to go home. And then I would remember that I moved out. I don't have a home because Jonathan was my home. The relationship that we had and the space that we shared was our home and I broke it.
Maybe it will be fixed one day. I'm certainly not closing any doors. But we both need to figure out a lot of shit before that could happen.
I hope and pray that he is able to be happy in his life for him. If we are meant to be together, we will be. And if not, there will just be something out there better for the both of us.
It is hard for me to believe this right now, but I will just keep telling myself that it is true.
I came to the house today. I planned on packing a few things, and cleaning up some stuff. When I walked in the door, I saw that he had started packing for me already.
Why am I doing this?!!!!!
I keep second guessing myself. Hoping that just love is enough. But I don't believe it. I know that if I were to run back into his arms, all the same problems would still be there. I would only be happy for so long.
I don't know what I want in my life, in my future. Part of me wonders where all of this even came from.
I just can't help being so incredibly sad.
When I was at work this week, I just kept thinking, I want to go home. And then I would remember that I moved out. I don't have a home because Jonathan was my home. The relationship that we had and the space that we shared was our home and I broke it.
Maybe it will be fixed one day. I'm certainly not closing any doors. But we both need to figure out a lot of shit before that could happen.
I hope and pray that he is able to be happy in his life for him. If we are meant to be together, we will be. And if not, there will just be something out there better for the both of us.
It is hard for me to believe this right now, but I will just keep telling myself that it is true.
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