Mind FCK

It took me nearly half my work day to realize not only that it is Wednesday, but also that it is still 2010 not 2011.
I promise this isn't quite as crazy as it sounds... i save all my files as 2011 because it is our fiscal year 2011...

The IT guy can find his way around any and all the computers in the office... but he can't find an actual office.  He sent me an email response today letting me know that he couldn't find me.
I couldn't access the network drive for most of the day.

Since today IS Wednesday, that means Volleyball!  And, even better, tomorrow is my day off.  Yep.  DAY.
I haven't had one of those since two Tuesdays ago.  Or is it three?

I drank about 100 cups of coffee today.

Monday (I think) I worked at both places.  A 14 hour work day off three hours of sleep.  I thought it was Tuesday.

Last week, was it?, a guy basically told me that my degree was worthless because I am just working at a grocery store.  The same week, maybe the same day, a lady screamed at me to just "bag her damn groceries."
I don't get why I, any of us, are treated this way.  We are obviously not totally worthless because people would literally die without us.  Sometimes I think they will have a heart attack when I tell them that we are out of Mandarin Orange Chicken.  They certainly act like it is the end of the world.
Yesterday a lady asked me for about five things that we have never carried, and then got extremely angry when I told her we didn't have any of them.  She must have though she was at Whole Foods. 
And I'm the stupid one.

I can't keep my house clean.  I'm trying to finish my costume.
Luckily Jonathan really stepped up these last few weeks in keeping the house together.  I just feel bad that the only food is apples and bread. 
I keep forgetting to buy rice.

My brain feels like it is only half working.  It takes me most of my shift at the MCM to wake up.  And halfway through my shift at TJs I'm ready for bed.
I want to cut my hours.  But only one of these jobs pays me.  And it's not the one that I love going to.

I question how I used to do this all the time, you know?  And actually keep it together...  How on earth did I work fifty hours a week and go to school full time?!  I'm not working much more than that now and without the school. 

I don't think that I am happy.
I've been sick, and I haven't been sleeping in the past week.
Before that, I was sleeping.  And I got used to it.  I started to feel like a normal person, that could get a normal amount of rest.
The thing is, the less amount of sleep I get at night is the more time I spend spacing out during the day, or just trying to take a nap but being too wired.
I don't even know how much all this makes sense... I am just tired.

New Book!!!!

I'm reading a new book! Finally! I haven't been reading much lately... working two jobs and only getting paid by one, along with making an extravagant Halloween costume, numerous crafts, and attempting to have a social life, I just haven't had the time!
I'm still reading Little Big. I think I mentioned before that that is a book that you need to sit down and read for hours at a time. I can't just pick it up here and there. I love it still. I just don't have the time or attention span right now.
So the other day when I was at the book store, killing time before my shift, I found one that I just couldn't resist.
My mom had told me about The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society a few months ago, but I guess I had forgotten about it. Anyway, it's an epistolary novel that was written this century!!! Most books written in letters back and forth between people don't sell very well. It doesn't mean that they are not good, they just aren't a popular form of literature anymore.
So you see why I had to buy it. A new York time best seller.
It's also really nice to have a book that I can read on the bus on the way to work. I tried that a couple of times with Little Big and almost missed my stop, and then didn't want to work because I was too busy reading.
This one,though, is a bit easier to put down. It's really good, and really interesting. funny. and thoughtful. But since it is written in letters, there are more breaks.

It takes place after WWII. It's letters between a British author, her friends and publisher, and people involved in a Literary society on Guernsey island. The author has a highly amusing voice, and the literary society has a unique story to tell.

I'm not too far into it, but I think that I would recommend it.

Philanthropy

This is the word of the day... mostly because I have both read and typed it about 100 times today...
But I will just leave you with these thoughts:
Does a philanthropist have to have money?
Just because a person donates money to a cause that helps humanity, does that make them a philanthropist?? Or do they actually have to DO something?

Just how flexible is this term?

Hello again.

First of all, thank you all for sweet comments about my cousin's baby. I know she is a very strong woman, and if anyone can tackle this she can... and she has a wonderful loving husband to boot!

This past week has been my own personalized version of hell.
Really.
I thought I was going to completely lose it.

The crazy thing is, I'm kind of okay now. I just cried it all out I guess. Catharsis can be a cure in itself I guess...

There have been more and more days where I feel like I just want to crawl in a whole and disappear for a long long time. And less and less days where I smile.

Work... a grocery store! How can a grocery store be so stressful??

And, there are two people that I DO NOT LIKE. I don't necessarily have to love everyone I meet, but it is very weird for me to not get along with someone, and even weirder for me to actually strongly dislike a person. And right now, there are two. I don't even know what to think about that!

Money... enough said.

A MILLION OTHER THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I just have to let it all go. I can't control every aspect of my life, and I just have to accept that. I just have to get the energy enough to do some laundry, maybe make some food, and scrub the shower.

Yesterday, I woke up at eleven. It was my first full day off in over two weeks, and probably my last before Thanksgiving. It was a great day, and I had a lot of fun. Pretty relaxing actually. And I went to bed at eleven. I didn't take any sedatives, or drink or anything. I just went to bed. As nice as it is to be able to fall asleep naturally and not lay in bed awake for hours... it's usually a bad sign when it does happen... especially when it happens multiple times in a week. It either means I'm getting sick, or so stressed out and exhausted that my body is not getting what it needs...
Well, I know the second one is true, I just hope I'm not getting sick too.

As many great and awesome things that are happening right now (like my internship... and well, anything involving my internship) I can't help feeling like crap about my life right now. I'm broke. I'm stressed. I want to get paid for working two jobs... well I really just want to work one of them (take a guess which) and get paid for it. I want to feel safe in my house. I want my boyfriend to be happy. I want to stop feeling depressed. and anxious.

I spoke with a friend today about her alcohol problems. A few of us approached her about it... she wasn't expecting it. She was really angry at first, but after quite a few tears she said she was relieved. She was relieved that she could get help... that she could feel better... that this could be rock bottom for her--it won't get worse--or if it does it can still get better. The kind of relief that only comes from the cathartic release of everything inside. All those pent up feelings ready to burst.
I'm so happy with how the whole thing went, and that my friend took a huge step today in getting the help that she needs. She enrolled in a type of program. She asked us to help hold her accountable until she can manage more on her own.
This week has just been crazy. And I think by week I mean two weeks...

I found out today that my cousin's unborn baby has Downs Syndrome. There is no way to tell how "high functioning" the baby will be until it is born, but he or she is healthy otherwise... so that's good.
I decided to read a bit more about Down's Syndrome, because I don't know much about it...

And I came across a piece of info that just about broke my heart. It was something like 90 something percent of unborn babies diagnosed with down syndrome in the UK are aborted. I don't think that this was super recent info, but still.

Regardless of anyone's view on abortion, because I don't want to get into any arguments about that... I am a firm believer in "it's YOUR choice but don't take it lightly" even though I would personally not be able to do that... ok tangent...
I just couldn't believe the high numbers! I mean, people with downs syndrome can have a lot of problems... there is the potential for that; but so many don't.

I just cried when I read that. And then I cried for my cousin. I'm so happy that she is a loving mother who is just so happy that nothing else is wrong with her baby, and is just focused on keeping it as healthy as possible. I know that this child will be treated the same as all her other children. By her. But the world can be so mean.
and i guess that's why I'm so sad now...
Please keep my cousin and her baby in your prayers!

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

The good:
Children's museum started today!!!! Well, sort of. I had my orientation, which basically means that I got a tour of an awesome place to play, and met a lot of really cool people!! There were about 8 other interns there... none of whom I will be working with directly... but I'm sure I will see around. I still haven't met my entire team, only two of the four. They are super nice, and were excited about me starting... which just makes me feel special :) I think it is going to be a really fun job!!!
Another great thing about it is that I love downtown. I don't think that I realized how much. It sounds kind of dumb, but one of my favorite parts of the day was going to get coffee just around the corner from work and having the barista know instantly that I was "new to the neighborhood." He knew everyone else in there, and was super friendly. And when I told him that it was my first day of an internship he gave me a free cup of coffee and wished me luck!
It was the refreshing part of my day that saved my hope in humanity.

The bad:
My car got broken into last night.
I feel like I am making such a huge deal of this, when in reality it happens all the time. And I know a bunch of people who have had this happen to them multiple times.
That doesn't make it any less of a pain in the ass.
The thing that really gets me though, is that I was hoping I wouldn't have to call the cops this week.
I know I am over-exaggerating a bit. But only a bit.
I didn't even realize how much I was bothered by this until a co-worker said how violating it can feel to have your car broken into... and I would take a car break in over crack heads pounding on my windows any day of the week. Especially now that there is nothing to steal.
I'm mostly worried about being able to afford to fix it. Money is tight this month, and I have already been saving up to get new tires, a new battery, and a transmission flush. I have insurance... and a $500 deductible. I just don't know if I can swing it. And I still don't have a clue how much it will cost.
The only thing that they took was the stereo. But in order to do so, they ripped apart my console. They didn't break the window, thank God. But the molding around the window will need to be replaced since they jimmied their way in by prying the window open.
It could be a lot worse. I know this. And I am thankful that it is not.

Needless to say, I spent the majority of the day on the phone with cops and insurance agents. And a car break in is not high priority...

The Ugly:
After this whole ordeal, I picked up a shift at the grocery store. I don't get many hours now that my availability is two days less... a bunch of corporate BS if you ask me...
But I was only there for two hours. Then I got sick. I will spare you the gory details, but they sent me home.. because I work with food.
I think, seeing as I am feeling much better now (and craving ice cream), that it was likely stress induced. A person can't go from such highs to lows to highs to lows in just a half a day without it taking a bit of tole.
The worst part, the really ugly part, is what I am scared to confront... anxiety may be getting the best of me. I've been on the extremes of anxiety before. I have done a great number of things in the past two and a half years to get it under control. I don't want to deal with this again... but I'm scared.
I have trouble sleeping. I have nightmares about people coming into our house, or Jonathan getting killed. I even woke up the other day because I could have sworn that I heard pounding and a "who's there" but there really wasn't anything. It was a dream. I can barely deal with being home alone.. which I am right now... and I don't like it. And I wouldn't even think of walking the fifty feet to my car to go somewhere else.
I hate being scared in my own home.
After the two crack heads came and went, there was only one more. A much less threatening, but still tweaking man. And that was when I was home alone. I didn't answer the door, and I hid in the bathroom hallway after he started knocking on the front window and stayed there til he went away.
I have every right to call the police whenever there is a person on this property that I do not know, and that is making me feel uncomfortable. I know this, but it doesn't feel like enough right now.
I know that this is a mix of actual fear and discomfort from stupid situations, but I also know that some of it is my panic disorder trying it's damnedest to rear it's ugly head.

Food time!!!

Don't you just LOVE the end of summer/beginning of fall?!

I love the food, the cool weather.... everything!!

I've come to realize this fall that I really enjoy eggplant. The other day, Jonathan and I had barely anything in our fridge and cupboard... so I made dinner with everything we had left. It turned out absolutely delicious!! Eggplant "cutlets" with fried zucchini, in a tomato basil sauce... which was only a little bit tomato basil, and then LOTS of goat cheese, on top of quinoa.
Yum!
Another thing that is great about fall is soup :) A friend of mine at work made a delicious soup today... all TJ's products: latin style bean soup, with a can of cuban beans, and chimichuri rice. SO tasty!