I am currently reading two nonfiction books. Generally I stick to fiction with a few exceptions. Georgiana is the more likely of the two books for me to read. It is about the Duchess of Devonshire in the sixteenth century, which just happens to be a fantabulous time for literature. She associated with many writers and other artists of the time, as well as other aristocrats. I'm only about half way through the book, but I am thoroughly amused by her life. I may make fun of people for caring so much about movie stars and pop stars, but I'm no different :) I just like the rich people of the past.
The other book, Subterranian, is a really interesting account of a guy who explored the tunnels and caves and underground rivers/streams right under the twin cities. This one appeals to the geologically inclined part of myself. I initially bought it because as I was flipping though it I saw a picture of my favorite waterfall in St. Paul. I've always wondered where the water came from... it just springs up from the ground a few hundred yards upstream. Although, now I'm not so sure that I wanted to know about all that because apparently that stream has A LOT of urban runoff, and I have walked around in it more than once.
Oh well, it's still my favorite.
Speaking of which, my new apartment is well within walking distance of this wonderful little city gem. Just three blocks to the river, then a foot path through the woods on the cliffs to get there.
I am really liking my new apartment. The tiny little room that I moved into to get away from the world. I like living alone. It can be a bit lonely, I still cry a lot. But everything else is great. The only mess to clean up is my own. I have room for my art stuff because I make room for it. I get to set it up how I want. And I have all my stuff that I want (except a garden). I'm not against compromises, but damn it's refreshing to be selfish. Less stressful too. When I am home, I can relax. I get ME time. I don't know the last time that I allowed myself to have that.
What I need to do now is learn how to be okay as me. Just me. I'm definitely not right now. I let myself be defined by the job I have and the inability to get a job that I want. Or the disappointed voices of my mom and sister when I tell them, No, still haven't found one.... or by missing Jonathan. Or being bad at being alone. Those may all be things going on in my life, but they are not ME.
I need to get my creativity back. My desire to read, and learn random things. Fishing. Hiking through the woods. Finding rocks and pretending that I know what they are made of. It's all still there, it is just a shadow of what it used to be. As my energy levels grow, so does my interest in these things. So I will be, I have to be, optimistic about it. I have to believe that I will come out of this six month funk... not unscathed, but I will make it. I have to.