Monday, August 30, 2010

Today is one of those days...

that I wish someone would read me a book.

My eyes are too swollen and bloodshot from allergies to read, and my head is too dizzy to keep all the words on the page.
I don't want to watch tv because it is too loud... but at the same time I can't hear any of the words... does that make sense?? My ears are crackly... that's really the only way I can find to describe how they feel when I get a sinus infection...
The worst part about it is that Jonathan had the stomach flu or something this weekend, and still doesn't feel well... I just hope I don't get what he has too!

I had to come home early from work today. I made it until an hour before the end of my shift... then I think I started to get a fever :(

I guess a way to look on the bright side is that I was too exhausted to even be a little stressed out by work today. Which is actually saying a lot, since we had inventory tonight and NOTHING was done on time... or even close to right. But, gotta say, other than a slight annoyance... I didn't care... and then it seemed like everything got done in an hour.

I'm just really looking forward to fall. I feel like everything will calm down a bit when it starts to get cooler outside... well work will get busier. But we will have more employees, and a one of my favorite co workers is coming back!!! And I think I will just be a bit happier because I will be able to go outside without melting, and I won't have to drink three liters of water a day to keep from having a heat stroke...

I'm only a bit melodramatic. I swear.

Monday, August 23, 2010

The best way to start a week

I just found out this morning that the grant writing internship at the Children's Museum is mine!!!! Yeah!!!!!! ok. I'm REALLY excited!!
I don't start til September though. My orientation is the 10th. So I still have to wait a bit. I wish I could just start RIGHT NOW!!!

It's an unpaid internship. But that works for me because it only requires ten hours a week. I will still have plenty of time at TJs to make my monies. AND I will benefit SO much from this internship that I feel like I should be paying them! Ok, not really.

But I am getting an opportunity to learn the grant writing process. And to even do some writing of my own. But the best part about this internship is that it is at a nonprofit educational organization. Can anyone say Dream Job??

That's probably why I got it... I couldn't help but get excited, giddy really, about working for a place like the Children's museum during the interview. :)

This, along with a very mature, big girl decision that I made last night is going to make this week FABULOUS!

I have decided that a certain issue at work should not concern me. And as angry as this person has made me, this person (in the position that they are in now) has no choice but to grow up. And this process will not concern me. I am taking myself out of the equation. My new goal at work is to stay out of it, and to not let this person get to me. It won't be easy, but it will be much easier, and less messy, than if I try to address the problem.

wow, ok that was almost too vague, but I just don't want to mention any names, or make it obvious who this person is. As I said, I am trying to avoid issues. I just had to realize that it really doesn't have anything to do with me, so I am staying out of it.
And this decision feels good! Really good.`

What a great start to the day!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Friday... well okay it's Saturday now.

I've calmed down a bit after the crackhead fiasco from the other day. I think it will still take some time before I am comfortable being home alone.
The thing is, I can deal with the crazies in public... but it is so different when it violates your privacy. Your home.
And I also realize that this kind of thing can happen anywhere. In fact, in one of the more upscale, 'safer' suburbs a few years ago, some friends of mine were chased by a man who then attacked their car with a 14 inch knife.
Personally I would call that a machete. But that's just me. Turns out he lived in the same apartment complex as my boyfriend... down the hall... and was high on meth.
Luckily, no one was hurt and this man realized his problem. He apologized to my boyfriend at the time and then checked into rehab. Wish that was what happened every time.

The point is, when it comes to drugs, or rather people on drugs, the situations are completely unpredictable. Moving would not likely change anything. Nothing has come of it since.

This is not to say that I am not worried that something else will happen, or that I have let my guard down.
I haven't.
My phone is always by my side. My doors and windows are locked. Short of breaking a window, no one is getting into this place unless I let them in. (or, you know, Jonathan... since he lives here too!) So really all I can do is be safe, smart, and a little more on my guard.

My nerves are just so frayed this week. Interviews make me so nervous, and the waiting around afterward to hear back from them is almost as bad.

Anyway, this is mostly just rambling...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Seriously scared right now.

Well, first of all, I think my interview went okay. There was only one question that I am unsure about, it was about computers and such... and I repel technology (don't worry, I didn't tell them that). So I am hoping to hear back from them by the beginning of next week.

After that, the excitement continued! But not in a good way.

The doorbell rang. A lot. Thank God Jonathan got it! Seriously. Don't know what would have happened if I had.
It was a medium height beefy guy, and a short fat guy that wanted their money.
According to these two men, and the other two in their car, I stole $300 from them after smoking crack in my backyard. They wanted it back.

Well, I just heard some yelling out at the front door, and tried to listen behind another door to see if something was wrong. I didn't really know they were after me until Jonathan shut the door on them, and they looked at me through the open window and said, "I can see you right there, gonna get you." And there might have been a "bitch" thrown in there somewhere but I was too busy trying not to pee my pants to notice.

This neighborhood gets a bad rap sometimes. This is the first time, though, that something scary has happened to us though. Other than some weirdos and drug addicts on the bus, I haven't felt scared. Even walking home alone at night.
But tonight, I am a bit uneasy to even sleep in my house. What if they come back?? Am I overreacting? It is just a really uncomfortable situation.

And I don't even smoke crack!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Why I want to be a grant writer...

When I was volunteering at the MNIC high school I struggled to understand how these children, how any children could learn without text books. Sure, there are some subjects in which a book is not the best way to learn, but what about.. say History??
Three text books for a thirty person classroom. For a social studies class. Not okay.

Here is where I insert my extremely angry face, and opinion on the NCLB act. It is stupid. It is counterproductive. And if anyone would like to know why I feel this way... well that is for another post.

Being a grant writer would give me the opportunity to obtain funding for non profit schools. These grants that I would obtain would not solve all problems in education... in fact, they may not even help the textbook situation.

I know that a grant writer doesn't have the opportunity to change the way education is run in this country. But I feel like this could be my small way of helping balance the situation.

If the federal money is not coming in, well then it has to come from elsewhere. I would really like to be able to help with that.

Even more so, i think I would be good at it. My writing on here may be overly casual and disorganized... but it is my way of winding down. I can write professionally. In fact, I love to! I love writing research papers, and that is essentially what grant writing is. I would get to research and write and help teachers to have the necessary tools to educate their students.

That is why I want to be a grant writer.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Just stuff

I think I forgot to mention in the last blog that the reason Jonathan and I argued for so long about the issue at hand is that we are both extremely stubborn and opinionated. No feelings are left hurt about the argument. It was more of a debate really.

Anyway, work has been a bit difficult to get through lately. My shoulder and neck are still killing me... but since "nothing" is wrong, I'm totally fine to work. Although, I am a bit worried because the top of my shoulder started shooting pain down my arm... hmm..
I'm also becoming increasingly frustrated with aspects of my job. And, since I am me, I become frustrated because I am frustrated with a grocery store. Lame.

I just want to find a job that I actually care about.

I'm still looking, trust me. But I think I need to broaden my career choice. Not really sure how.

The warm weather blows. Someone at work yesterday was saying that sometimes they enjoy a cloudy day to just sit inside and relax. I laughed and said I enjoy a cloudy day because I will go out and spend it in the garden or at the cliffs... doing something active and outside. It's the warm sunny days that drive me inside to sit in my giant chair next to the AC :)
Although, to be fair.. if I had a lake to swim in... I might enjoy those days a bit more. And I do get dragged out of the house by my own boredom on those days.

I am so restless yet at the same time completely exhausted lately. I have been in a funk where I'm just not getting the rest that I need.

Insomnia affects every aspect of my life. The first couple days of minimal to no sleep, I'm completely running on adrenaline. I get a spark of creativity, and therefore avoid all chores that need to be done in order to pain or draw or make a book. Shortly after that, I'm just totally drained. I have had a hard time knowing the day this week. I thought yesterday was sunday.
I can't keep things straight. There is no set series of events in my mind when I don't sleep. Things just randomly float into a place that doesn't make much sense.
I lose focus.
I lose balance. Dexterity.
My reaction time slows. I get hurt at work. I stop making sense.

Ok. I could go on about this for hours.

I'm still reading Little Big by John Crowely. It's really interesting and I like it, but it's been hard for me to read lately. He is really a fantastic writer though. The syntax is beautiful.
I actually think that I mostly like it because he writes like a British author. Does that sound too portentous?? I just mean that he writes in the same style of books that I love.

Saturday, August 7, 2010


My cousin Britt over on Unexpected Surprises posted her opinion on gay marriage and her frustrations with the controversies and arguments against it. I agree with her whole heartedly, and love that she prefaced the blog with saying that this was simply her opinion and she knew that people would agree and disagree and that it was a heated topic.
Well, her post, along with many of the comments added to it, got me a bit revved up. I started complaining about some of the arguments that christians or any strongly monotheistic believers use against homosexuality.
The main one that bothers me is the argument that it is especially wrong, not just because homosexuality is a sin, but because gay people are openly living in sin.

I actually wrote on Britt's blog that an old boyfriend had said this to me before. Well, my current boyfriend used the same argument on me.

We just finished talking about it (at three am) and we started at about 11:30.

Ok. So here is my view on homosexuality.
I find it hard to believe, or it is difficult for me to accept, that God would consider it wrong for a person to love another person regardless of his or her sex.
I had to specify that I meant romantically in love.


I started this blog last night after Jonathan and I argued about this for hours. Of course afterward, as I was venting and rehashing the issue on my own, I didn't want it to get brought up with him again. So I tried to go to bed instead of writing.

I actually didn't get up til noon today. But that is still only five hours of sleep.

And this issue is still bothering me.

I guess I really don't know where I stand on it, or if I even have a right to "have a stand" on the issue.
A gay person is just a person. I hate that there is separation. I hate that there is judgment.

This blog is now a very inconclusive thought. My intention in writing it is not to spark comments, or make anyone else as frustrated as I have been over the last day, but rather a sort of catharsis after a frustrating argument where, for me anyway, there is no answer.
As I said on Brit's post, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But that opinion should never be used to hurt another person, or judge another person.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Headache of a lifetime.

I'm clumsy. If you don't know that about me, well, you must not know me very well. Or have spent any time around me at all.
I tend to hit my head, as I have discussed before.
But I may have started a new trend of bruising my ribs. (lets hope not!)
Anyway, I have had a headache all week because of my neck... not really anything new, just really annoying and painful. And to make matters worse, I managed to mess it up a little bit more at work today.
Really hard to explain just how this happened... but basically a wine box crushed me, hitting my head, and causing me to slam into a cement post.
I thought I injured my shoulder, because, well I couldn't really move my arm or put pressure on it.
Oh yeah, this was also outside after I had broken down two pallets of wine... it's only like ninety degrees and a million percent humidity today. No problem. Let me take care of that in a half hour.

No. Bad idea. No sleep last night plus working outside in hot heat humidity lifting heavy boxes plus me being as clumsy as I am equals injury.

Anyway. Had to go to the doctor. I waited awhile, because that is what I do. I continued working. (Probably never really needed to leave) But left after a couple hours because I was so sore and my neck and head hurt so bad I couldn't work anymore. That's when the doctor told me, nope, not my shoulder... its my ribs.
Luckily I didn't break any.
But, man, I am sore!

And they completely ignored my neck! She just said she wanted to make sure ribs weren't broken, and then sent me on my way two hours later without ever really talking to me.

I think a chiropractor visit is needed for tomorrow.