New plan

I have been looking for jobs lately.  A lot.  And I have applied to many.  However, there are not THAT many out there within the field that I am looking.  I think I have already applied to all the development and grant writing jobs in the twin cities area... some even a bit outside the cities.
First step: expand my options.  What else would I be good at?  What else could lead to a position that I would like?  Where the heck do I apply?
Step one needs a little work... I know what I want to do (grant writing) but I don't know what the second option would be... and it literally could be just about anything! 
Step two: hit up all my contacts.  This one is already in process... but I am waiting til after the holidays to followup with most of them.  I know a few grant writers, a few people that work in nonprofits, and a few people that work for foundations.  At the very least, I would get more ideas of where to look for jobs, or what other types of jobs would make for good experience. 
Step three: Look in surrounding areas.  Most of the jobs that I really want, and, well, jobs in general, are in the cities... but there are a few in Duluth, or Rochester... and even though I don't really want to live in those areas, it would be temporary.

Now, these last few are my fall back plans... or secondary, if you will...
Step four: Look for jobs in other states.  The majority of nonprofit and foundation work is found in large cities... there are a lot in NY.  I will not live there.  I would not survive... but, I sure wouldn't mind living in San Francisco for awhile :)  and there are plenty of other cities that I would consider for a year or two.
Step Five: (I like this one) Move to Hawaii and work in my cousins restaurant if I can't find a job.
Step Six: (I like this one even more)  Go to Europe.  Backpack.  Work where and when I can.  Have fun.  Be poor... In Europe :)

Since my internship is now over, and I will only be working a maximum of five days a week now (instead of seven), my new 'job' is going to be job searching and applying.  I am going to make myself spend as much time doing that as I would working at the children's museum.  That's two days of work. ..  If I do that, I think that I will find a job. 
Also, to prevent myself from going crazy with boredom, I am going to start making clothes :)  My wonderful mother bought me a dress form for Christmas, and I can't wait to use it!
I know it probably sounds strange to think that I would be bored working five days a week and spending a lot of time looking for jobs... but the thing is, I got used to working my seven days a week... or even the six days with one fourteen hour day in there.  When I go from constantly doing everything to having nothing to do, I get a bit depressed.  It is easy for me to become lethargic, and get upset about being lazy.  I'm more likely to go out with friends and go climbing or snowboarding when I have to 'fit it in' somewhere in my week.  If I have everyday off... well, I don't know how that works.  It doesn't make sense, but it is just how I am.  I think I get it from my mom.  She is always doing a million things too.

I'm feeling a bit better today.  Not so pitiful.  Yesterday was just terrible because I woke up in a bad mood,and had a horrible day at work.  It's much easier to keep an even keel when I'm not in a bad mood. 

Anyway,
Happy New Year everyone!  This one is going to be a good one!!!!!!!

So, why then?

If my heart breaks everytime I think about him, if I can't stop crying, if I hurt because I know I hurt him... then why did I break up with him?
I am fully aware that this is becoming the lamest possible blog ever created, but I can't help it.  I still find myself questioning if what I did  was right.  Or if I have more of a chance of being happy.
Some days, I'm okay. 
today, I am not. 
Today, I miss my home.  I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.  I want someone to kiss me goodnight.  I want to belong somewhere, to have a family, a home, a life shared with someone.
I hurt.  And I don't know what to do.
I have felt like vomiting all day, and finally broke down in tears on my way home from work.  I bawled my frickin eyes out in my car, and now I just can't seem to stop.
I know time heals, but what if I made a mistake.
I feel bad for how things ended. 
I feel bad that I left him right before the holidays when he doesn't even have family in MN. 
Part of me just wants to call him but I know I need more time.

Watch out...

This will be a bit of a bitch fest pity party....

So my graduating class is having a FIVE year reunion.  Really?!  Anyway, there are a few people going who I would really like to see.  Like my wonderful friend who went to college in Seattle and I haven't seen for four years.  That would be pretty awesome.  My hesitation comes with seeing all the couples.
I don't know why or how, but everyone seems to be married and/or have kids. I certainly don't want this for my life yet, but honestly, I'm jealous. 
Thinking of all these people who are happy with families and babies and lovers shouldn't make me want to puke.. but that is my first reaction.
I'm happy that they have found things that make them happy.  I really am.
BUT...
I'm not sure that seeing all of that would be the best thing for me right now. 
I had a home.  a familiy of two.  a garden. I was happy. I'm not now.

I threw all of it away, and regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, I have a hard time not missing those things.  I can't help feeling like I broke my home.  Another high school friend is getting married and I'm starting over.

I know it is stupid to be upset about this.  I'm only 23 and things will change, and I will be happy again. 
It just sucks for right now.  And I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I think about it.  Everytime I think about him.
Did I do the right thing? I can answer yes or no and wholeheartedly mean both.

On another note, if I haven't found a job by the end of February, I may move... to Hawaii... or Europe...

if the jobs aren't out there, I may as well live my life instead of waiting, right?

Oh the things that happen...

Just when I am deciding that things MUST get better, they get worse.  I was recently explaining to an out of touch friend what has been going on in my life lately and why I was moving.  Just in case any of you forgot it goes something like this: Crackheads. Car broken into. Crackheads. Rats. Breaking up with my boyfriend. Crackheads.
Well I guess I decided that another thing had to be added to that list, so I crashed my car.

Ok. ok.  Not entirely true.  The crash wasn't my fault.  And (thank God) no one was hurt other than being a little sore.
Different story entirely for my car... I don't even know if it is totaled yet because they are still looking up prices of parts.  They said it doesn't look good.

This all happened last Sunday when I was moving.  Yep.  All my stuff was in my car.  Luckily only a few things broke... like my laundry basket, a metal mixing bowl, a few little glass dish thingers, some art stuff, and my only plant died.  Broke right in half.  I'm SO happy that my albums and turn table were in my friends car, who was driving behind me and saw the whole thing happen.
She was so freaked out!  She pulled over right away, and the first thing I see when I look up is her running through a snow bank to see if I was okay!  :)  What a sweet friend!

Well, that last disaster was aparently what I needed to snap out of this funk.  I can't keep letting things build up.  I have to focus on the happier things in life.  And even though that is not easy, especially when I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend, it sure does pay off.
Shit happens.  I have to deal with it.

I will also admit that standing up for myself to insurance adjusters and dealing with the car mess all on my own felt amazing afterward.  For the first time, possible ever, I feel like I am okay alone.  I can take care of myself.
As much pity as I was seeking before, or maybe it wasn't pity... just some sort of understanding on at least one other persons part... I don't want any now.
It sucks about my car.  But I am taking care of it.  I am living in a safe place.  I am sleeping.  I am actively looking for jobs.
I am getting my life together, and I didn't even realize how fallen apart it really was.

I wish that I could say things between me and Jonathan were less complicated.  I am still struggling with that.  It is hard for me to get past feeling like I broke my home.

But like I said earlier, focusing on the good will help. 

Falling slowly

There is this song that always reminds me of Jonathan... oddly enough, it just came on when I put my music on shuffle.  It is a song that will almost certainly make me cry evertime I hear it.  But I just don't know how to interpret it.  It can be so hopeful of fixing a relationship, or ending it to save yourself. 

I came to the house today.  I planned on packing a few things, and cleaning up some stuff.  When I walked in the door, I saw that he had started packing for me already. 

Why am I doing this?!!!!! 
I keep second guessing myself.  Hoping that just love is enough.  But I don't believe it.  I know that if I were to run back into his arms, all the same problems would still be there.  I would only be happy for so long. 
I don't know what I want in my life, in my future.  Part of me wonders where all of this even came from.

I just can't help being so incredibly sad.

When I was at work this week, I just kept thinking, I want to go home.  And then I would remember that I moved out.  I don't have a home because Jonathan was my home.  The relationship that we had and the space that we shared was our home and I broke it.

Maybe it will be fixed one day.  I'm certainly not closing any doors.  But we both need to figure out a lot of shit before that could happen.
I hope and pray that he is able to be happy in his life for him.  If we are meant to be together, we will be.  And if not, there will just be something out there better for the both of us.
It is hard for me to believe this right now, but I will just keep telling myself that it is true.