Sunday, November 28, 2010

Admittedly psychosomatic

But really?? I'm starting to ask the question 'Why Me?' way too often.  I feel like when you slip and fall on the ice, and you try to get up but you just keep falling.  Luckily, I have many friends to lend me their hand.
But I just can't always convince myself to take it.  I don't want to rely on someone, anyone really, that much.  I don't want someone to have to take care of me, when I just got frustrated with feeling like I was taking care of someone.  It just seems to damn selfish.  I turn my back on someone that I love, just to make my life pathetic?  what is that all about.
really though,
more often than not (in this incredibly long weekend) I have felt like I made the right decision to move out of my house and leave my boyfriend. 
Right now is not necessarily one of those times.  I'm sad.
I don't feel like I have a home.  Yes, I could go back to the apartment, but I don't feel safe there.  The neighbors are too unpredictable, and the stress of that has been building up like an iceicle ready to fall.  Well, actually, I think it already fell.
What's with all the metaphors today?
I'm in a bit of a goofy mood.  Sad about a lot of things, stressed out about more, happy about a decent amount of things, hopeful, a bit jaded, and possibly a bit slap happy from a cocktail of antibiotics and mild sedatives.  Also just trying to not think about how itchy I am!!
So, this is a bit gross, but I have a rash... spots really.  I don't like it. I'm not sure what it is yet, but we ruled out all the basic stuff.  Now I just get to take antibiotics and wait.  Fun life, huh?

Well, I am going to work on the hopeful aspect this week...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

As frustrated as I am...

I am thankful.  I am thankful for my family.  My mom, who I can call crying ANY time of the day, and I cna fee her hugs through the phone.  My dad, who is willing to support me NO MATTER WHAT, and I am just realizing how much he would do for me.  And my sister, who understands what I am going through right now more than anyone.  She has let me lean on her.
My aunt Lori, whose kind words always put a smile on my face, and bring tears to my eyes to know just how much I am loved.  Her daughter, Brittany, who takes after her so much in showing her kindness and love to others. 
I am thankful for my friends.  I have had so many people offer me a couch or bed to sleep in until I get everything sorted out.  People who are concerned for my safety and health.  I get a million hugs a day, and I don't know if any of my friends realize how much that means to me.  Honestly, I have never felt so loved.
I am thankful for my job.  As much as I have complained about it in the past, lately it has been fun.   FUN!  My coworkers and bosses are so supportive and understanding.  I'm just so thankful that I have this job that I like, that pays me, and that gives me health insurance.  It's not my dream job, but it is more than I could ask for right now.

And the hardest one for me to say right now, is that I am thankful for Jonathan.  He has been surprisingly understanding through this whole thing.  And the last four years have meant so much to me. 
And now I have to stop, because I am bawling my eyes out, and I have to go to work...

Friday, November 19, 2010

I've started having panic attacks again.  Not as bad as before... but when it comes to panic attacks, is there really a point in measuring severity?
I had one at work yesterday.  I managed to keep it to myself even though I felt like I couldn't breath for what seemed like an hour.  It was probably twenty minutes.
The thing that really freaks me out, though, is the thought that I am turning in to my old crazy self.  I've always been terrified that I would become like that again.  And I'm showing all the signs of it happening.
I don't sleep much.  I'm losing weight like crazy. Which, as hard as it may be to believe, is not fun when it happens on accident. And my anxiety is off the charts.
It shouldn't come as much of a surprise, considering all the stress I am putting myself through lately.

I guess it really is completely different from before.  The fact that I kept it under control yesterday should prove that to me.
I also feel like I have a closer network of friends this time.  I actually feel like this won't be permanent and I will be okay.
I didn't have that last time.

One day at a time, I guess.

Monday, November 15, 2010

What to do, what to do...

So here is the deal: I want out of my lease. Now.
The new neighbors, the ones who live in the studio right behind us, well, I'm pretty sure they are smoking crack every morning. 
I don't need to deal with this.
If I have one more crackhead show up in my yard and threaten me, I will go ballistic!!!!   I just can't handle it anymore.
And then, oh yes, there is more!  There are rats.  RATS!
Not in our unit, thank God!  But in the one upstairs.  Our upstairs neighbor (not the crackhead) said that he has already caught 5. FIVE!  And he let the landlord know about it a few months ago.  Nothing was done, so they can legally break their lease with no penalty.  Since the rats are not actually in our part of the house, I don't know that we can.
Oh and get this, this same guy that lives upstairs.  Yeah, he just told me that he spent a year and a half in jail.  He was a felon.  Yup.  I'm pretty sure he is still a decent guy, and he just did some stupid shit when he was younger... but shouldn't that have been mentioned to, umm I don't know, US, by our landlord when he moved in???
I live with a fucking felon and a crackhead.  These are the people in my house.  I want out!

You know, the funny thing is, is that I think it's the rats that pushed me over the edge on this one.  I could deal with crackheads... at least ones that were supposedly talked to about their behavior and threatened with eviction.. or so I was told.  And the upstairs neighbor, well he really is a nice guy.  But rats?  Rats, on top of everything else I have to worry about rats.
I don't even particularly mind rodents in general, but it's just the fact that this is where I live.  It's pretty damn low.  I can afford better.  I deserve better.
I work my ass off at two jobs, and I'm constantly searching for that other one... I have a drive in life.  I don't need to surround myself with people who so obviously don't.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Trying to figure things out.

I've been a bit awol lately.  I'm super busy with work and my internship.  I'm actually currently enjoying both of them right now.
I've been struggling a lot in my personal life right now though.  I'm doing some serious soul searching.  Realizing what I want in my life, or trying to anyway.
I've only come up with a few definitive conlusions.  Well, one really, and that is that I want to move.   
I can't tell if I'm changing, or just seeing things the way the really are.  It's probably a little bit of both.
Anyway, I just wanted you all to know that I am fine.  Just depressed and dealing with things beyond my experience.  But finding my way. Slowly.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Dead bird on my doorstep

or, more like the backyard path.

Things seem to be really falling apart around here.  But the thing is, I know it's not just me.
A bunch of my friends are going through big changes, or dealing with loss in its many forms.  I'm finding it hard to stay positive. 
But on the other hand, I love my internship!  It's going really well.  I'm actually just starting a grant from scratch right now.   Exciting!  Not something that they typically let the interns do :)
I'll just keep trying to focus on the good things in life.