Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Two new books that I probably would not have normally read...

I am currently reading two nonfiction books.  Generally I stick to fiction with a few exceptions.  Georgiana is the more likely of the two books for me to read.  It is about the Duchess of Devonshire in the sixteenth century, which just happens to be a fantabulous time for literature.  She associated with many writers and other artists of the time, as well as other aristocrats.  I'm only about half way through the book, but I am thoroughly amused by her life.  I may make fun of people for caring so much about movie stars and pop stars, but I'm no different :)  I just like the rich people of the past.
The other book, Subterranian, is a really interesting account of a guy who explored the tunnels and caves and underground rivers/streams right under the twin cities.  This one appeals to the geologically inclined part of myself.  I initially bought it because as I was flipping though it I saw a picture of my favorite waterfall in St. Paul.  I've always wondered where the water came from... it just springs up from the ground a few hundred yards upstream.  Although, now I'm not so sure that I wanted to know about all that because apparently that stream has A LOT of urban runoff, and I have walked around in it more than once.
Oh well, it's still my favorite.
Speaking of which, my new apartment is well within walking distance of this wonderful little city gem.  Just three blocks to the river, then a foot path through the woods on the cliffs to get there.

I am really liking my new apartment.  The tiny little room that I moved into to get away from the world.  I like living alone.  It can be a bit lonely, I still cry a lot.  But everything else is great.  The only mess to clean up is my own.  I have room for my art stuff because I make room for it.  I get to set it up how I want.  And I have all my stuff that I want (except a garden).  I'm not against compromises, but damn it's refreshing to be selfish.  Less stressful too.  When I am home, I can relax.  I get ME time.  I don't know the last time that I allowed myself to have that.
What I need to do now is learn how to be okay as me.  Just me.  I'm definitely not right now.  I let myself be defined by the job I have and the inability to get a job that I want.  Or the disappointed voices of my mom and sister when I tell them, No, still haven't found one....  or by missing Jonathan.  Or being bad at being alone.  Those may all be things going on in my life, but they are not ME.
I need to get my creativity back.  My desire to read, and learn random things.  Fishing.  Hiking through the woods.  Finding rocks and pretending that I know what they are made of.  It's all still there, it is just a shadow of what it used to be.  As my energy levels grow, so does my interest in these things.  So I will be, I have to be, optimistic about it.  I have to believe that I will come out of this six month funk... not unscathed, but I will make it.  I have to.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Why does our breakup feel all the more fresh every time I take a step forward in life?

I'm moving into my own place tomorrow!  And I am really excited!  It will be my own, little space to set up how I want.  It is a move of independence.  But today I can't stop crying. 
It doesn't help that I am sick again, and missed work.  Being frequently sick does not mesh well with a very physical job.  It needs to stop.
But all I can think about today is how heartbroken I am.  I know that I left him, but my heart still hurts.  I know it has been months... but we dated for years, and I thought it would last... so months don't really matter.
I get so angry thinking about all this!  I blame him, then myself.  It's just a crappy place to be.
And I can't help wondering why it is all coming up now, when I am supposed to be happy and moving on with my life.  I just went through six months of hell and I am picking up the pieces of it and it is finally all coming together.  But I can't be happy because everytime something happy happens I just think of him.  And I miss him, and I hate him, and love him all at the same time.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

It;s a beautiful life oh ooooh oh

A weird thing happened to me today... I woke up in just a terrible mood.  And the day got worse with forgetting things, losing things, and my computer deciding not to work when I was planning on getting a chunk of PR work done....
and then I went to work...
And tah dah!!!!!!!!!  I was in a great mood. :)  For no particular reason.

I really needed this reminder of why I like my job.  I had a fun day, and think this streak will continue.
I think it helps that I am continuously feeling better every day.... if you don't count me hurting my neck again.
But I just am starting to be okay with my life.

Honestly, I still don't really like it, but being okay with it isn't too far off.  I found an apartment that I like and that I can afford... so hopefully my application will go through just fine and I can move in next week.  I keep having this horrible feeling, though, that I won't be accepted.  I just get scared that my lack of credit history and income will be a problem.  My parents are willing to cosign though... I just hope it all goes well.
I can't wait to have my own place!!!!  It;s tiny, but it will be mine... and for once it will be completely how I want it.
I'm getting better at not being so down on myself for not having found a job yet.  Through talking with some people at work, I have realized that in this economy this can take years.  It's unfortunate, but I have a job right now.  I'm not broke.  I can keep this job as long as I need to. 
It's a work in progress, but I am starting to be happier.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

All grown up...

It's tax season... and I get a decent amount back since I was still in school last year.
My intentions were to be completely irresponsible with that money... to go out and have fun... take a trip... you know?
But then I remembered I'm an 'adult' now :(
I have those lame things called responsibilities.

I have to move.  I'm actually going to get a place all on my own!  Scary!!!!!  I'm actually pretty excited about it.  I'm going to look at studio apartments tomorrow.  They are going to be tiny, and cramped, and have no kitchen space.  I'm likely to absolutely hate it. But it will still be good.  It will be a step in the right direction.  I am trying to be more self sufficient, and finding it hard in this economy... and really I couldn't find a roommate.  So, my only qualifications for this apartment are that it is not a shitty part of town, and that it is on the second floor or above.  Other than that, I'm taking the cheapest one I can find... which is surprisingly expensive!
My next responsible decision will be to buy a new computer.  My reasoning for this little treat is that I do a lot of work on my laptop.  Also, I don't have a tv or dvd player or anything, and won't have room for one in my new apartment, so this is also my entertainment system.  Well, this little guy is just about dead.  It went from working most of the time, to working about half of the time.  This is incredibly frustrating while trying to apply to jobs.  Also, I don't know if I am going to have internet at my apartment.  I will probably just go to a coffee shop to do applications and such.  On that note, though, the computer I buy will be relatively inexpensive because I really only need it for word documents.
And the next grown up decision??  Well, I am going to save some money.  I'm sick of having next to nothing in my savings account.  The car that I am driving now, lovingly called the beast, is not entirely reliable.  It mostly is, but sometimes things decide not to work just because they don't want to.  Well, it has all been minor things like the gas gauge, but someday it may be something larger and more expensive... and I would like to be prepared for that.
So there.  Those are my grown up decisions of the day.  No fun trip.  No shopping spree.  Just good old boring responsibility.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Can't sleep

It's just after eleven, and I should have been asleep hours ago.  I work at five thirty tomorrow morning, which means I'm awake at four thirty at the latest. Ugh.

I actually work all AM shifts this week.  The upside of this is that it is a consistant schedule instead of having multiple turnarounds in one week... like this last week. 

I thought that my mono was clearing up.  I was feeling so much better.  I had energy even! 
But now I am sick again.  Just with a sinus infection, and it shouldn't last too long... but I can't deal with this exhaustion anymore!  I just need to be physically capable to do my job so I don't end up losing it because I can never be there.

More on jobs.... I am currently doing PR work for a non-profit dance association event.  That will last just through april, maybe a little into may.  And it is part time.
It feels good to work on something I enjoy.  And it is adding to my experience of working for non-profits!

The job search continues!  Admittedly, I am currently only applying to two jobs a week.  That is partly due to wanting to sleep every free second that I have, and also due to not being able to find postings of jobs that I am qualified for.
Unfortunately, it seems that you need five years of experience for an entry level job....
I find myself struggling to keep a positive attitude.  I have been looking for jobs for almost a year now.  In a few months, it will have been a year since I graduated... and I don't have a job. (or a 'real' job as my mom and sister would put it).
I am also struggling to not take out my frustrations on my mom and sister.  It just makes it hard when that seems to be all they want to talk about.  And when that is all I really have to talk about because that is all my life is... looking for jobs. 
I just can't help but feel like a failure.  My sister did it.  She already had a job when she was my age.  She was starting her carreer.  I'm just wasting away working menial jobs.  Thats what it feels like anyway.

I don't know if that is how she views me, or if I just view myself that way. 

I'm just sick of feeling bad for missing family events because I have to work weekends.  Because even though I can, some very few times, get a day off on the weekend, that is a whole shift that I miss.  That is a chunk of my small paycheck cut off.  I hate being put in these situations.  They really are no ones fault, but I feel like I'm the one getting blamed. 

I guess I just continue trying my best to find a job, any job, and to make time for my family. 

Friday, March 4, 2011

Exhaustion. Tears. Prayer.

I can't even count the number of times that I have broken down in tears this week.  And some of the times have been over small, insignificant details of everday life that I can normally deal with.  I am stuck in a vicious cyle.
I start to feel better.  I am stir crazy.  I find it hard to sit still for even just one day.  I think that I can maybe work a bit more, or clean my kitchen, or play volleyball.  I think that I can see friends, go out, have fun. 
And then I crash.
I spend the next day in a feverish haze with a swollen throat.  I sleep for hours during the day and twice as much at night for days after. 
But I can't stop working. 

The physical problems that I have currently are just adding to the real issues at hand. 

I, we, cleaned out the old apartment last week.
I thought it would feel good to be rid of it.  I thought it would be good to break my last financial tie with him.  To get away from a place that left me with traumatic memories and sad thoughts. 
But all I can think about is how excited we were to get that house.  It was so much bigger than our first place!  Our neighbors were quiet and nice.  I had a yard for a garden.  He had room for his equipment.  We had space, our space.  I remember the first night we slept there.  I remember cuddling on the couch watching movies.  I do remember the good things, and that makes it so heartbreaking to know that I left.

I have been having such a hard time dealing with this lately.  I miss and love him, but I don't want to be with him.  It is sad.  And I am scared to move on.  I am scared to trust anyone to love me again.  I worry that it won't last, that he will lose interest, that my heart will feel this way again.

Leaving the apartment that day was the hardest and saddest thing that I have ever had to do.  I said goodbye to my life as I knew it. Permanently.
All I can do now is wait, pray, and hope that my heart heals quickly.

Monday, February 28, 2011

This just sounded like fun to me :)

Age: 23
Bed size: Currently sleeping on a full size bed (but my extra super comfy bed is a queen)

Chore you hate: Cleaning the toilet. Gross.
Dogs: I have always loved dogs, and never wanted one... although they are just so darn cute!
Essential start to your day: COFFEE!!!!!!  mmmmm....
Favorite Color: probably brown... maybe a dark shade of mossy green.  I like the natural colors.
Gold or silver: silver
Height: 5' 6 3/4"
Instruments you play: My roommate has a piano, so I get to play again!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I can play the guitar, although not well.

Job title: Can I skip this one??

Kids:I love BABIES!  I can't wait to have them... ok, well I can wait.  And will wait.  Should probably find a job first...
Live: ...life to the fullest??
mom's name: Judie
Nicknames: Kait, Kit kat... hey you...
overnight hospital stays: I don't think that I have had to stay overnight at the hospital... does it count if I spent the entire time waiting in the lobby in a wheelchair with a concussion?

quote from a movie:  Raisins are just humiliated grapes.

right-or left-handed: right!

Siblings: I have one older sister, but most of the time people think we are the same age, or that she is younger. She is pretty cool, and takes me out for lunch when I am broke :)

Time you Wake up: My schedule changes.  Sometimes I have to get up at four, and sometimes I don't go to bed til four.
Underwear: I love to buy cute underwear!  and, um, yes I wear underwear ?
Vegetables you dislike: The only two veggies that I dislike are asparagus and sweet potatoes.  But I have never tried brussel sprouts...
What makes you run late: forgetting things in the house and realizing it after I locked the door.

x-rays you've had: well... I had my wrist and shoulder x-rayed for getting hurt at work.  I think that is it though.
yummy food you make: scones.  Yup.  and sugar cookies :) those are probably the two best, but I make lots of really super yummy food!

Zoo favorite animal: penguins :)  and, as I recently discovered, geoffrey monkeys :)  they are really little and social

hmm... well that's me :)

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Last week I felt great.  Like really great.  I wasn't sick, I had some energy, and I slept plenty.  But yesterday, everything went back to mono grossness.  Well, it was actually the night before.  I started getting a cough, and then boom.  Feel like death. 
I'm already feeling better, a whole day of sleep seems to do that for me.  But I just can't help being annoyed that I am still dealing with this.  I know mono takes a long time to get over, but I don't have time to give up.  I have three bags of pasta to last me to the end of the month.  Oh, and a bag of oranges. 
Don't worry, though, my bear friend matty likes to try and fatten me up :) And since I'm not doing anything physical, I really don't need as much food. 

I was hoping that my poor college student days were over, but the poor seems to continue.  Oh well. 

Even with being sick almost constantly, I seems to have an overall better feeling about life.  At least better than I did a few months ago.  I'm not saying that I am over everything, in fact I'm still dealing with a lot of it.

I was looking at apartments the other day, and realized that I am actually scared to live alone.  To be honest, if Jonathan hadn't been there when the crackheads showed up I wouldn't have known what to do.  I was terrified even living with a guy.  Obviously I'm not moving to that particular neighborhood, and I would move to a building with secure entry, but I know first hand that drug addicts don't only live in certain neighborhoods.  Friends of mine were chased by a methhead with a fourteen inch knife in shoreview... a nice suburb.  It can happen anywhere, and I seem to be having a bit of bad luck lately... so the idea of a roomate is sounding a little better.  The problem with that is that 1) I don't know anyone that I would want to live with, and 2) I don't want to be financially tied to anyone for a very very very very long time.  I want to be independent.  In fact, I don't want to rely on a man in any way.  I am okay with relying on my friends and my family, and having them rely on me... but relationshipwise, that may take a little longer,
Well, just thought I would give a bit of an update...
oh, and I am going to be doing part time temporary PR for a really small company!  Exciting!  More experience :)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Is it really that funny?

Lately this blog is the only place that I have been expressing myself as I actually feel.  In life, real life, I make it a joke. 
It's funny in the worst way that bad things keep happening to me.  I mean, who really has three insurance claims for their car(s) in one month?  Who goes from being threatened by crackheads, to having them move in?  Or how about the day that I was supposed to go back to work after my car accident, I'm out with mono?

My life feels like a bad movie, and the more upbeat I try to stay about it the more cynical and sarcastic I get.

I have realized that I need to learn how to deal with things... meaning what I actually realized was that I have no idea how to deal with stress or emotional issues. 
I ignore them.  I replace them with distractions.
Maybe this is why I go so crazy when I have to sit around for three weeks.

I find myself feeling angry.  I'm not sure what I am angry at, but the rageful desire to break something is surfacing much more often than it should.

Everyone says it takes time to get over a breakup.  I guess I just need to give it time. 
I wasn't happy then.  I tried to make it better.  But I'm still not happy now.
I'm even getting upset about things that have happened way in the past.  It feels like every emotional issue that I have ignored is rearing its ugly head and forcing me to deal with it now.
But the thing is, I can't even deal with the last few months.  I just don't know how to.
I was threatened in my own home--my sense of personal safety was shaken to the core.  I lost my home--I realize it was rat infested and crack head central, but before all that it was my home.  It was OUR home.  I totaled my car--I'm not physically capable of doing things that I enjoy, things that help me to feel better.  I got mono--I am not, in any way, financially secure; and, although I worry about money less now than I ever have in the past, it is still stressful to have to ask for help to pay rent, especially when I don't even live at one of the places that I am paying for.  That's another thing, the fucking guilt.  I can't help but feeling like I screwed him over.  I am paying for half of what I can, it is not my intention to screw him over financially, but I can only do so much.  I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly four years; the man I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with is no longer part of my life in that way.

I don't know how to deal with all of this.  And on top of it, I can't find a freakin job!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Moving on?

My friend recognized today that I am playing out perfectly the stages of grief.  Going from initial shock, to guilt, to anger, and now to sadness and lonliness... with a little bit of acceptance.
I spent the last few months worrying about everything.  I had so much going on in my life that I didn't have time to sit down and take a breath.  I didn't even have time to think or reflect on the end of my relationship.

I had so much stuff to take care of, and more importantly, I thought and felt that I was obligated to take care of him.  I realize now that this was unfair to both of us.  But I didn't give myself a single thought.  I didn't consider that my heart was broken too.  That it didn't matter who ended the relationship, just that it was over and we are both sad.  I'm just now starting to accept the fact that I am hurt.

I'm still angry.  God, I'm angry!  But I am letting myself be.  I need to cry and yell.  I need to feel.

My close friend told me that I need to pay more attention to myself.  He meant it directly in the physical sense--seeing as I was nearly falling apart--but also in the emotional sense.  He said I need to accept the fact that I just went through a really rough patch, and that I do not need to pretend to be okay.  In fact, it is more harmful to convince myself that I'm okay than accept that I am not.
Another friend is encouraging me to take time to "deal."  I should be sad right now, he says.  I need time to heal, he says.

I have some amazing friends.

I just read my aunt's post about embracing life.  She talks about the importance of feeling, of emotion and showing emotion.  In it, she says that God gives us many similar paths, or similar opportunities to learn a lesson.  I think this one is finally sinking in for me.  I need to pay attention to myself, my body, my mind, my soul.  This year needs to be about taking care of myself and getting back on my feet... but not rushing into it. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Catharsis... please?

I currently have my mother's old car.  I am so thankful that I have parents who can help me out as my life decides to take all these crazy turns...
I brought it in to get an oil change about a week after I got it... and it is leaking coolant or somthing of the sort.  So my parents fix it for me.  I left my car there for two days... and then today, when I am almost to my house... the check engine light comes on, and it starts smoking.

Even though my bad car accident (or accident #1 as I like to call it) was about a month ago, I just started hurting  this past week.  First, just sore.  Hard to get out of bed.  Headaches.  Really not that unusual for me.  But every morning that I woke up, I felt worse.  I went to the chiropractor, he asked my how I could function with my neck in the shape that it is in... said he had never felt it that bad before.  So I had my massage therapist friend work on me.  He did my neck last night.  I didn't have a headache for a few hours and it was heaven!
But then, later that night as I was trying to sleep, I was in so much pain I my whole body was shaking.  My lower back muscles were spasming, and everthing felt like it was trying to kill me.  I don't think that I have ever been in that much pain before.  Mostly because it was my whole body, not just one spot.
So my friend worked on my lower back and legs today.  He asked me how I could even walk.  My muscles were all bunched up in knots at the base of my spine...
usually, he can beat me up pretty good and I won't get hurt... meaning I like deep tissue massages... but at a few points today (and he was being gentle) I actually cried out it hurt so bad.
Then he tells me (after a severe muscle spasm going throughout my entire leg) that my knee is really messed up.  I didn't even notice.

So what am I going to do about all this?  Well, I tried calling the insurance adjuster who handled the claim on this accident, but he is out of town until tomorrow and not accepting messages.  Even though I doubt he would return my call anyway.  The other problem is that there are two claims on my insurance after that. 

Apparently I somehow scratched the roof of the rental car... that one should be easy to claim that I didn't have an injury... especially since I have absolutely no idea how it happened.  But the other one was me scratching a car as I was parking... I know I know... but my car is a frickin boat!  It's huge!
I didn't even feel myself hitting the other car, but I don't know if it will affect their willingness to pay out for the first accident.  I didn't report an injury because I felt totally fine.  I was sore for a couple days, but really didn't feel anything for a month!  Which, I guess is not that uncommon.

Anyway, this is how my new year is starting out.  But I don't want to get down about it.  It's hard not to... especially when I am laying in bed wanting pain killers, heating my knee, and icing my back. 
I would apply for jobs, but the thing is, I am actually really out of it.  I feel like I have done drugs or drank a whole bunch or something.  I think it is just because I hurt that badly.  All I have taken is ibuprofin.  I don't even like pain killers.  They made me crazy when I took them for my back last time. 
I may go to the actual doctor tomorrow... especially if I can't make it through work.  That is the scary part.  What if I miss work, and the insurance company doesn't accept my claim?!  I don't want to go through all this.  I have seen what it can be like!  It scares the crap out of me...
well, I guess just one thing at a time.  Bring the car in again.  call the insurance adjustor.  go to the doctor if neccessary. 
But for now, early bed time.