Is it really that funny?

Lately this blog is the only place that I have been expressing myself as I actually feel.  In life, real life, I make it a joke. 
It's funny in the worst way that bad things keep happening to me.  I mean, who really has three insurance claims for their car(s) in one month?  Who goes from being threatened by crackheads, to having them move in?  Or how about the day that I was supposed to go back to work after my car accident, I'm out with mono?

My life feels like a bad movie, and the more upbeat I try to stay about it the more cynical and sarcastic I get.

I have realized that I need to learn how to deal with things... meaning what I actually realized was that I have no idea how to deal with stress or emotional issues. 
I ignore them.  I replace them with distractions.
Maybe this is why I go so crazy when I have to sit around for three weeks.

I find myself feeling angry.  I'm not sure what I am angry at, but the rageful desire to break something is surfacing much more often than it should.

Everyone says it takes time to get over a breakup.  I guess I just need to give it time. 
I wasn't happy then.  I tried to make it better.  But I'm still not happy now.
I'm even getting upset about things that have happened way in the past.  It feels like every emotional issue that I have ignored is rearing its ugly head and forcing me to deal with it now.
But the thing is, I can't even deal with the last few months.  I just don't know how to.
I was threatened in my own home--my sense of personal safety was shaken to the core.  I lost my home--I realize it was rat infested and crack head central, but before all that it was my home.  It was OUR home.  I totaled my car--I'm not physically capable of doing things that I enjoy, things that help me to feel better.  I got mono--I am not, in any way, financially secure; and, although I worry about money less now than I ever have in the past, it is still stressful to have to ask for help to pay rent, especially when I don't even live at one of the places that I am paying for.  That's another thing, the fucking guilt.  I can't help but feeling like I screwed him over.  I am paying for half of what I can, it is not my intention to screw him over financially, but I can only do so much.  I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly four years; the man I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with is no longer part of my life in that way.

I don't know how to deal with all of this.  And on top of it, I can't find a freakin job!

Moving on?

My friend recognized today that I am playing out perfectly the stages of grief.  Going from initial shock, to guilt, to anger, and now to sadness and lonliness... with a little bit of acceptance.
I spent the last few months worrying about everything.  I had so much going on in my life that I didn't have time to sit down and take a breath.  I didn't even have time to think or reflect on the end of my relationship.

I had so much stuff to take care of, and more importantly, I thought and felt that I was obligated to take care of him.  I realize now that this was unfair to both of us.  But I didn't give myself a single thought.  I didn't consider that my heart was broken too.  That it didn't matter who ended the relationship, just that it was over and we are both sad.  I'm just now starting to accept the fact that I am hurt.

I'm still angry.  God, I'm angry!  But I am letting myself be.  I need to cry and yell.  I need to feel.

My close friend told me that I need to pay more attention to myself.  He meant it directly in the physical sense--seeing as I was nearly falling apart--but also in the emotional sense.  He said I need to accept the fact that I just went through a really rough patch, and that I do not need to pretend to be okay.  In fact, it is more harmful to convince myself that I'm okay than accept that I am not.
Another friend is encouraging me to take time to "deal."  I should be sad right now, he says.  I need time to heal, he says.

I have some amazing friends.

I just read my aunt's post about embracing life.  She talks about the importance of feeling, of emotion and showing emotion.  In it, she says that God gives us many similar paths, or similar opportunities to learn a lesson.  I think this one is finally sinking in for me.  I need to pay attention to myself, my body, my mind, my soul.  This year needs to be about taking care of myself and getting back on my feet... but not rushing into it. 

Catharsis... please?

I currently have my mother's old car.  I am so thankful that I have parents who can help me out as my life decides to take all these crazy turns...
I brought it in to get an oil change about a week after I got it... and it is leaking coolant or somthing of the sort.  So my parents fix it for me.  I left my car there for two days... and then today, when I am almost to my house... the check engine light comes on, and it starts smoking.

Even though my bad car accident (or accident #1 as I like to call it) was about a month ago, I just started hurting  this past week.  First, just sore.  Hard to get out of bed.  Headaches.  Really not that unusual for me.  But every morning that I woke up, I felt worse.  I went to the chiropractor, he asked my how I could function with my neck in the shape that it is in... said he had never felt it that bad before.  So I had my massage therapist friend work on me.  He did my neck last night.  I didn't have a headache for a few hours and it was heaven!
But then, later that night as I was trying to sleep, I was in so much pain I my whole body was shaking.  My lower back muscles were spasming, and everthing felt like it was trying to kill me.  I don't think that I have ever been in that much pain before.  Mostly because it was my whole body, not just one spot.
So my friend worked on my lower back and legs today.  He asked me how I could even walk.  My muscles were all bunched up in knots at the base of my spine...
usually, he can beat me up pretty good and I won't get hurt... meaning I like deep tissue massages... but at a few points today (and he was being gentle) I actually cried out it hurt so bad.
Then he tells me (after a severe muscle spasm going throughout my entire leg) that my knee is really messed up.  I didn't even notice.

So what am I going to do about all this?  Well, I tried calling the insurance adjuster who handled the claim on this accident, but he is out of town until tomorrow and not accepting messages.  Even though I doubt he would return my call anyway.  The other problem is that there are two claims on my insurance after that. 

Apparently I somehow scratched the roof of the rental car... that one should be easy to claim that I didn't have an injury... especially since I have absolutely no idea how it happened.  But the other one was me scratching a car as I was parking... I know I know... but my car is a frickin boat!  It's huge!
I didn't even feel myself hitting the other car, but I don't know if it will affect their willingness to pay out for the first accident.  I didn't report an injury because I felt totally fine.  I was sore for a couple days, but really didn't feel anything for a month!  Which, I guess is not that uncommon.

Anyway, this is how my new year is starting out.  But I don't want to get down about it.  It's hard not to... especially when I am laying in bed wanting pain killers, heating my knee, and icing my back. 
I would apply for jobs, but the thing is, I am actually really out of it.  I feel like I have done drugs or drank a whole bunch or something.  I think it is just because I hurt that badly.  All I have taken is ibuprofin.  I don't even like pain killers.  They made me crazy when I took them for my back last time. 
I may go to the actual doctor tomorrow... especially if I can't make it through work.  That is the scary part.  What if I miss work, and the insurance company doesn't accept my claim?!  I don't want to go through all this.  I have seen what it can be like!  It scares the crap out of me...
well, I guess just one thing at a time.  Bring the car in again.  call the insurance adjustor.  go to the doctor if neccessary. 
But for now, early bed time.