Sunday, November 28, 2010

Admittedly psychosomatic

But really?? I'm starting to ask the question 'Why Me?' way too often.  I feel like when you slip and fall on the ice, and you try to get up but you just keep falling.  Luckily, I have many friends to lend me their hand.
But I just can't always convince myself to take it.  I don't want to rely on someone, anyone really, that much.  I don't want someone to have to take care of me, when I just got frustrated with feeling like I was taking care of someone.  It just seems to damn selfish.  I turn my back on someone that I love, just to make my life pathetic?  what is that all about.
really though,
more often than not (in this incredibly long weekend) I have felt like I made the right decision to move out of my house and leave my boyfriend. 
Right now is not necessarily one of those times.  I'm sad.
I don't feel like I have a home.  Yes, I could go back to the apartment, but I don't feel safe there.  The neighbors are too unpredictable, and the stress of that has been building up like an iceicle ready to fall.  Well, actually, I think it already fell.
What's with all the metaphors today?
I'm in a bit of a goofy mood.  Sad about a lot of things, stressed out about more, happy about a decent amount of things, hopeful, a bit jaded, and possibly a bit slap happy from a cocktail of antibiotics and mild sedatives.  Also just trying to not think about how itchy I am!!
So, this is a bit gross, but I have a rash... spots really.  I don't like it. I'm not sure what it is yet, but we ruled out all the basic stuff.  Now I just get to take antibiotics and wait.  Fun life, huh?

Well, I am going to work on the hopeful aspect this week...

1 comment:

  1. Just because you lean on other people does not mean the same thing as having someone always having to take care of you. In my own personal opinion it's when we have to humbly lean on others during our tough times, it is a growth experience for us and them. Accepting someone's kindness is a gift to them because in a sense we are saying to them, "I find you worthy so I will accept what you want to give to me."

    You are in a tough spot right now and even though it is painful and emotional, I really do think that when you get to the other side of all this, you are going to be better then ever. When we are in these down lows or rough spots, there is much wisdom gained and we are given the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and what we want for our lives.

    I know it feels like you don't have a home right now but just remember wherever you are, you are at home. Of course this doesn't mean you give up on making your own special place to lay your head at night but there is value in enjoying even these moments of feeling displaced. An adventure of sorts and really allowing yourself this time of finding where you want to be.

    You are taking steps so that you are true to your self...those steps can be painful when it means breaking up with someone you love...or not having a place to call home for the moment.

    I promise you Kaitlyn...leaning on others right now will not make you like this will help you go on so that you don't have to.

    Have you been writing or painting or creating in your emotions? I know those things have been helpful in the past and I know they are helpful for me.

    You are such a sweet spirit even when your heart is hurting. My prayer is that some day very soon you are able to step back and see all that you are and the beauty that is you. I love you sweet girl. I am cheering you on! Remember I am here, day or night to listen or lean on. ((((Kaitlyn))))