Lately this blog is the only place that I have been expressing myself as I actually feel. In life, real life, I make it a joke.
It's funny in the worst way that bad things keep happening to me. I mean, who really has three insurance claims for their car(s) in one month? Who goes from being threatened by crackheads, to having them move in? Or how about the day that I was supposed to go back to work after my car accident, I'm out with mono?
My life feels like a bad movie, and the more upbeat I try to stay about it the more cynical and sarcastic I get.
I have realized that I need to learn how to deal with things... meaning what I actually realized was that I have no idea how to deal with stress or emotional issues.
I ignore them. I replace them with distractions.
Maybe this is why I go so crazy when I have to sit around for three weeks.
I find myself feeling angry. I'm not sure what I am angry at, but the rageful desire to break something is surfacing much more often than it should.
Everyone says it takes time to get over a breakup. I guess I just need to give it time.
I wasn't happy then. I tried to make it better. But I'm still not happy now.
I'm even getting upset about things that have happened way in the past. It feels like every emotional issue that I have ignored is rearing its ugly head and forcing me to deal with it now.
But the thing is, I can't even deal with the last few months. I just don't know how to.
I was threatened in my own home--my sense of personal safety was shaken to the core. I lost my home--I realize it was rat infested and crack head central, but before all that it was my home. It was OUR home. I totaled my car--I'm not physically capable of doing things that I enjoy, things that help me to feel better. I got mono--I am not, in any way, financially secure; and, although I worry about money less now than I ever have in the past, it is still stressful to have to ask for help to pay rent, especially when I don't even live at one of the places that I am paying for. That's another thing, the fucking guilt. I can't help but feeling like I screwed him over. I am paying for half of what I can, it is not my intention to screw him over financially, but I can only do so much. I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly four years; the man I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with is no longer part of my life in that way.
I don't know how to deal with all of this. And on top of it, I can't find a freakin job!