My friend recognized today that I am playing out perfectly the stages of grief. Going from initial shock, to guilt, to anger, and now to sadness and lonliness... with a little bit of acceptance.
I spent the last few months worrying about everything. I had so much going on in my life that I didn't have time to sit down and take a breath. I didn't even have time to think or reflect on the end of my relationship.
I had so much stuff to take care of, and more importantly, I thought and felt that I was obligated to take care of him. I realize now that this was unfair to both of us. But I didn't give myself a single thought. I didn't consider that my heart was broken too. That it didn't matter who ended the relationship, just that it was over and we are both sad. I'm just now starting to accept the fact that I am hurt.
I'm still angry. God, I'm angry! But I am letting myself be. I need to cry and yell. I need to feel.
My close friend told me that I need to pay more attention to myself. He meant it directly in the physical sense--seeing as I was nearly falling apart--but also in the emotional sense. He said I need to accept the fact that I just went through a really rough patch, and that I do not need to pretend to be okay. In fact, it is more harmful to convince myself that I'm okay than accept that I am not.
Another friend is encouraging me to take time to "deal." I should be sad right now, he says. I need time to heal, he says.
I have some amazing friends.
I just read my aunt's post about embracing life. She talks about the importance of feeling, of emotion and showing emotion. In it, she says that God gives us many similar paths, or similar opportunities to learn a lesson. I think this one is finally sinking in for me. I need to pay attention to myself, my body, my mind, my soul. This year needs to be about taking care of myself and getting back on my feet... but not rushing into it.