Friday, September 10, 2010

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

The good:
Children's museum started today!!!! Well, sort of. I had my orientation, which basically means that I got a tour of an awesome place to play, and met a lot of really cool people!! There were about 8 other interns there... none of whom I will be working with directly... but I'm sure I will see around. I still haven't met my entire team, only two of the four. They are super nice, and were excited about me starting... which just makes me feel special :) I think it is going to be a really fun job!!!
Another great thing about it is that I love downtown. I don't think that I realized how much. It sounds kind of dumb, but one of my favorite parts of the day was going to get coffee just around the corner from work and having the barista know instantly that I was "new to the neighborhood." He knew everyone else in there, and was super friendly. And when I told him that it was my first day of an internship he gave me a free cup of coffee and wished me luck!
It was the refreshing part of my day that saved my hope in humanity.

The bad:
My car got broken into last night.
I feel like I am making such a huge deal of this, when in reality it happens all the time. And I know a bunch of people who have had this happen to them multiple times.
That doesn't make it any less of a pain in the ass.
The thing that really gets me though, is that I was hoping I wouldn't have to call the cops this week.
I know I am over-exaggerating a bit. But only a bit.
I didn't even realize how much I was bothered by this until a co-worker said how violating it can feel to have your car broken into... and I would take a car break in over crack heads pounding on my windows any day of the week. Especially now that there is nothing to steal.
I'm mostly worried about being able to afford to fix it. Money is tight this month, and I have already been saving up to get new tires, a new battery, and a transmission flush. I have insurance... and a $500 deductible. I just don't know if I can swing it. And I still don't have a clue how much it will cost.
The only thing that they took was the stereo. But in order to do so, they ripped apart my console. They didn't break the window, thank God. But the molding around the window will need to be replaced since they jimmied their way in by prying the window open.
It could be a lot worse. I know this. And I am thankful that it is not.

Needless to say, I spent the majority of the day on the phone with cops and insurance agents. And a car break in is not high priority...

The Ugly:
After this whole ordeal, I picked up a shift at the grocery store. I don't get many hours now that my availability is two days less... a bunch of corporate BS if you ask me...
But I was only there for two hours. Then I got sick. I will spare you the gory details, but they sent me home.. because I work with food.
I think, seeing as I am feeling much better now (and craving ice cream), that it was likely stress induced. A person can't go from such highs to lows to highs to lows in just a half a day without it taking a bit of tole.
The worst part, the really ugly part, is what I am scared to confront... anxiety may be getting the best of me. I've been on the extremes of anxiety before. I have done a great number of things in the past two and a half years to get it under control. I don't want to deal with this again... but I'm scared.
I have trouble sleeping. I have nightmares about people coming into our house, or Jonathan getting killed. I even woke up the other day because I could have sworn that I heard pounding and a "who's there" but there really wasn't anything. It was a dream. I can barely deal with being home alone.. which I am right now... and I don't like it. And I wouldn't even think of walking the fifty feet to my car to go somewhere else.
I hate being scared in my own home.
After the two crack heads came and went, there was only one more. A much less threatening, but still tweaking man. And that was when I was home alone. I didn't answer the door, and I hid in the bathroom hallway after he started knocking on the front window and stayed there til he went away.
I have every right to call the police whenever there is a person on this property that I do not know, and that is making me feel uncomfortable. I know this, but it doesn't feel like enough right now.
I know that this is a mix of actual fear and discomfort from stupid situations, but I also know that some of it is my panic disorder trying it's damnedest to rear it's ugly head.


  1. I am so thankful that you internship started out cool that this guy gave you a free coffee and recognized that you were new. How cool. That doesn't even happen in my small town. :)

    It really is a bummer about your car getting broke into...the whole situation is frustrating and like you said it costs money to fix it.

    I think it's good you are writing out your feelings and not just keeping it inside. I know for me, if I let it, fear can really wrap itself around me and leaves me feeling imobilized...which of course I'm not...and that what I have to remind myself of...when I get feeling that way or full of worry...ugh... I write out good positive quotes of truths that I need to be reminded of...I keep telling myself these things and it seems to help.

    You are wise to acknowledge that part of it could be your panic disorder so that you don't give it any power that it doesn't deserve. Hope that makes sense.

    I really really hope that things settle down for you and that you can really focus on the good things. I am thinking of you. XX

  2. "It was the refreshing part of my day that saved my hope in humanity." you're certainly blessed to have such an encunter that saved ur hope. I hope i will be as lucky as you, and live an experience that teaches me to never lose hope in humanity.