There is this song that always reminds me of Jonathan... oddly enough, it just came on when I put my music on shuffle. It is a song that will almost certainly make me cry evertime I hear it. But I just don't know how to interpret it. It can be so hopeful of fixing a relationship, or ending it to save yourself.
I came to the house today. I planned on packing a few things, and cleaning up some stuff. When I walked in the door, I saw that he had started packing for me already.
Why am I doing this?!!!!!
I keep second guessing myself. Hoping that just love is enough. But I don't believe it. I know that if I were to run back into his arms, all the same problems would still be there. I would only be happy for so long.
I don't know what I want in my life, in my future. Part of me wonders where all of this even came from.
I just can't help being so incredibly sad.
When I was at work this week, I just kept thinking, I want to go home. And then I would remember that I moved out. I don't have a home because Jonathan was my home. The relationship that we had and the space that we shared was our home and I broke it.
Maybe it will be fixed one day. I'm certainly not closing any doors. But we both need to figure out a lot of shit before that could happen.
I hope and pray that he is able to be happy in his life for him. If we are meant to be together, we will be. And if not, there will just be something out there better for the both of us.
It is hard for me to believe this right now, but I will just keep telling myself that it is true.