Friday, March 4, 2011

Exhaustion. Tears. Prayer.

I can't even count the number of times that I have broken down in tears this week.  And some of the times have been over small, insignificant details of everday life that I can normally deal with.  I am stuck in a vicious cyle.
I start to feel better.  I am stir crazy.  I find it hard to sit still for even just one day.  I think that I can maybe work a bit more, or clean my kitchen, or play volleyball.  I think that I can see friends, go out, have fun. 
And then I crash.
I spend the next day in a feverish haze with a swollen throat.  I sleep for hours during the day and twice as much at night for days after. 
But I can't stop working. 

The physical problems that I have currently are just adding to the real issues at hand. 

I, we, cleaned out the old apartment last week.
I thought it would feel good to be rid of it.  I thought it would be good to break my last financial tie with him.  To get away from a place that left me with traumatic memories and sad thoughts. 
But all I can think about is how excited we were to get that house.  It was so much bigger than our first place!  Our neighbors were quiet and nice.  I had a yard for a garden.  He had room for his equipment.  We had space, our space.  I remember the first night we slept there.  I remember cuddling on the couch watching movies.  I do remember the good things, and that makes it so heartbreaking to know that I left.

I have been having such a hard time dealing with this lately.  I miss and love him, but I don't want to be with him.  It is sad.  And I am scared to move on.  I am scared to trust anyone to love me again.  I worry that it won't last, that he will lose interest, that my heart will feel this way again.

Leaving the apartment that day was the hardest and saddest thing that I have ever had to do.  I said goodbye to my life as I knew it. Permanently.
All I can do now is wait, pray, and hope that my heart heals quickly.

1 comment:

  1. (((Kaitlyn))) I think of you often...wish we closer to one you...hope you know that this will pass...pray you will feel better soon. XX