I can't even count the number of times that I have broken down in tears this week. And some of the times have been over small, insignificant details of everday life that I can normally deal with. I am stuck in a vicious cyle.
I start to feel better. I am stir crazy. I find it hard to sit still for even just one day. I think that I can maybe work a bit more, or clean my kitchen, or play volleyball. I think that I can see friends, go out, have fun.
And then I crash.
I spend the next day in a feverish haze with a swollen throat. I sleep for hours during the day and twice as much at night for days after.
But I can't stop working.
The physical problems that I have currently are just adding to the real issues at hand.
I, we, cleaned out the old apartment last week.
I thought it would feel good to be rid of it. I thought it would be good to break my last financial tie with him. To get away from a place that left me with traumatic memories and sad thoughts.
But all I can think about is how excited we were to get that house. It was so much bigger than our first place! Our neighbors were quiet and nice. I had a yard for a garden. He had room for his equipment. We had space, our space. I remember the first night we slept there. I remember cuddling on the couch watching movies. I do remember the good things, and that makes it so heartbreaking to know that I left.
I have been having such a hard time dealing with this lately. I miss and love him, but I don't want to be with him. It is sad. And I am scared to move on. I am scared to trust anyone to love me again. I worry that it won't last, that he will lose interest, that my heart will feel this way again.
Leaving the apartment that day was the hardest and saddest thing that I have ever had to do. I said goodbye to my life as I knew it. Permanently.
All I can do now is wait, pray, and hope that my heart heals quickly.