Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Considering Change

At work there have been a lot of issues. Issues that I can not mention. To anyone.
Since L left to go to St. Paul, I have taken his place as therapist. A lot of people come to me with their problems.
Generally, I don't mind this. I get along with just about anybody, and they all know that I am trustworthy. I don't spread things around, and I don't gossip. Up until recently, I have been perfectly willing to listen.
But now I am not.
My coworkers have stopped talking about actual issues that they have and want to fix. They have started complaining about the way the store is run and the low morale that is now a constant fixture. They don't want to fix it. They want me to fix it for them.
I help people whenever I can.
I have been told before, and even realized it on certain occasions that I try to help people and take care of them to a fault. I try to make everyone happy. I would rather lose all hope of happiness for the sake of another person.
But so much of this is tied to my past depression and the feelings that I didn't deserve to be happy.
Now I believe that I do deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves that. And I can't make myself crazy or miserable in order to make someone else happy, it just doesn't work that way.

This being said, I have so much on my plate right now, that keeping myself happy is a challenge in itself. I don't really have the energy to deal with other people's problems that I don't really see as problems.
My temper has gotten so short lately. I don't even feel like me because I just want to scream at my coworkers, "IT'S JUST A JOB! Shit happens, deal with it. People are going to come and go. And this place will treat you better as an employee and as a PERSON than any other place that you could even work for right now!"
I feel like I am getting so caught up in bullshit gossip that I can't even enjoy work anymore.
So, I am thinking of jumping ship. That is, transferring to a different store.
I have more reasons than just being annoyed.
The store that I want to work at is closer. Much closer. I would save so much money on gas. The main reason that I did not transfer earlier is because I only worked one day a week, and I didn't think that the other manager would be so cool with that, but now I am working three days, and will be working even more in a few months. Another reason that I haven't transferred yet is because I am scared to start all over again socially. I know a few people that work there really well, but they have already become a really close knit group, and I would feel a little bit like an outsider for awhile. That was the case with the store I work at now. The store I want to work at was recently opened, and all the people there have a certain bond from opening a store together. Bringing me in would be a change. And as I stated earlier, many people in this company are not so great with change.
The main reason that I hesitate to fully make a decision is because of the people that I know and love at my store right now. There are people that I would miss, and I would feel horrible leaving them in a messy situation. It's only a handful of people, I think, that would really miss me, and maybe feel a little abandoned.
I have worked with these people for two years, and we are exactly like a really big family, all up in each others business. I would miss having that feeling of security.
Whenever I start talking about this aspect of transferring, I just don't think that I can do it.
But part of me feels like I need to.

The store that I want to move to also has more people my age. I think it would be good for me to go out with a friend for her twenty something birthday rather than her 49th birthday. I still, and always will, love those women, but I need that similarity of age and situation.
In fact, I don't have any friends going through what I am going through right now. I don't have any friends that are graduating or looking for jobs. I don't even have any close friends in school.
I missed the normal college experience.

I'm not so sorry that I did. I wouldn't trade my life experience for any one else's. But at times I feel like I missed out. And at times a feel a little lonely because of it.
I know that my mom would have liked me to have had that normal experience, just like my sisters. My sister doesn't really get it either.

I just have a lot on my plate right now. Moving soon. Final projects. Senior thesis. Graduation. Job search.
When in reality, I think I would be okay just working at TJs for a year or so after college. I don't want to move from crazy busy school to crazy busy work.
I am just not ready for all this growing up business.


  1. Do it. Go. You get it, you understand the big picture, both at work and in life. If you cannot transfer there, I will do what I can to bring you where I am. It is a tough situation, and people are struggling with the change. It is how they choose to deal with it that will ultimately determine how successful they and those around them will be. It could be so easy. I hope that they choose correctly.

  2. ***love your posts cousin! I am in town.. call me!** P.s. tagged you in a game! Play if you want!! :)