Friday, February 26, 2010

Can't describe what I feel...

I am at this point in my life where I am supposed to figure out what I want to do.

I know that most people my age have no idea. But how do they all move forward in this blindness? How can these people be okay with just graduating... and then what?

My life has gotten pretty hectic in the past month or so. I guess it would be two months now.
Time is going by too fast.
I don't even remember what I did in the last week.
I have to pack.
We are moving. That will be amazing.... once it is over and done with. I won't have neighbors keeping me up till odd hours every night. We will have more space. It will be so much nicer. I will have a kitchen that I can actually make real food in. I will have a garden.
I am growing up.
I have heard that twice in the past week from two different people.
One was about how she thought that I was making more mature decisions in life... simple things though, like not putting my hair in dreadlocks again. And the other was about how content I am to be seriously dating that one special person. That I am not questioning it simply because I am too young, or scared of commitment, but I am excited to continue living with him and progress through our life together. That I am becoming a we instead of a me. Someone pointed this out to me today, and it made me happy.
I am growing up.
And part of me is jumping forward. Planning. Deciding what I want want want. And part of me is holding on to my youth and immaturity. Part of me knows that I need need need more time to grow. I need to gain more experience before I can have all those things that I want.
And this is all part of that.
This crazy stressful time.
This lack of sleep.
Lack of money.
Struggle to keep a social life.
Struggle to hold on to one little shred of creativity.
But I am making it through.
I am holding up.
When I am not sick that is. Physical illness has been a result of this stress. And it adds to more stress. I have been sick more in the last six months than I have ever been in my life. I was sick for almost a month and a half straight through in the fall. And since then I have been getting colds, sinus infections, and stomach flues on biweekly basis it feel like. This is probably too much information, but this is how I feel right now.
Sick of being sick.
I didn't go to class today. I left work early.
I have slept more this week that the last month combined. I will sleep twelve hours a night if I have the chance. And I am still tired. This is not me. I am the one that sleeps six hours on a good night. None on a bad. And the only time I sleep more, my body is telling me something serious, but it never happens more than two nights in a row. But now, all I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is open my frosted shut windows, let the cold night air in, pile on the blankets, and shut my eyes.

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