I haven't been writing much. But I have been reading! Even if I don't leave a comment, I am still following many of your blogs, and enjoy reading them so much!
Everything that I have written lately has been too angry to post on here. I'm actually not entirely sure where all this anger is coming from.
One thing, i'm sure, is stress. Money issues. I'm not broke. But I'm not really able to save anything or start paying my parents back yet. I'm not always getting enough hours at work.
I don't mind some of the cost cutting things i have ddone in the last year or two. Such as, I worn't buy anything from a department store. I don't need the clothes if they are going to cost more than twenty dollars. Thrift stores and consignment stores are my new best friends. And I LOVE that. I don't want to contribute to the wasteful economy.
But what is really stressful about this whole money thing then??
Maybe it's all in my head.
The weird thing is, I don't really feel stressed out. Yet I know I am. Am I making any sense?
I also know I have been depressed lately. Not stuck in the dark gloomy days that are severe depressive episodes... just a little off.
Well that is probably also to do with trying to find a job or internship in a field that I actually care about. Maybe I am being too picky... but I just feel like I have spent long enough doing things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things, and I want that to change. I am eager for that to change. And when I see how little opportunity there is out there for people like me, it makes me scared.
The other issue is friends. I have a lot of work friends. And while I wouldn't trade these people for anything in the world, they are mostly just that--work friends. I am starting to wish that I knew more people in similar situations as I. People who really care about people. People who care about the environment, God, or really just have a passion for something.
I so often feel that my generation is apathetic and ambivilant to the direction their lives take.
I'm just at a weird middle ground in my life right now.
I'm yearning for more substance in my life. More meaningful people.
I'm not so depressed, I think. Maybe it is just sadness. Being scared.
It's the anger that I worry about. I have had too short of a temper for the last few weeks. And I'm not good at expressing it. In fact, I usually cry when I get angry because I don't yell.
I dropped Jonathan off at the train station today. He is going to visit his parents for a family reunion. It's a surprise to his mom that he is coming. I think it's sweet.
I couldn't make it. Too short of notice for work, and I can't afford it.
He has been home so often recently that it is weird for him to be away.
I have a bad feeling about all this for some reason... I don't want to write out why because it sounds stupid... but I am just going to pray that his travels will be safe.