Wednesday, March 24, 2010

What to do?

As I was coming up for a topic for my senior thesis, it hit me...
I don't want to do this.
I have been questioning my life plans and goals lately. Which is normal, since I graduate in a couple months. And I was not really sure that I actually did want to get into publishing.
Now I am sure.
I don't want to go into publishing. English was a ridiculous thing to major in. I have absolutely no real life applicable skills.

I am going to be writing about women and education.
As portrayed by George Eliot.
In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.
And how her female characters rely on a benevolent patriarchal figure.
And this is mainly displayed in Middlemarch.
Through the main character's creep obsession with Milton.
And even though I don't think Milton is benevolent,
(I actually think he was a bit misogynistic)
the character views him as such.

And what does this have to do with the real world.
How does my fascination with 17th and 18th century literature and society help anyone?
How would I even be able to make a living off of it without going to grad school, racking up the loans, being stressed out for another five years at least, and then earning a mediocre income?
What have I even learned in school that would prepare me, or even give me the credentials to get any job?
I don't feel like I have any qualifications. Because I don't. Other than being a quick learner and having an interest in EVERYTHING.

The closer I get to graduation and the prospect of finding a "real world" job, the more I am okay with working at a grocery store for the rest of my life.
There is no money in publishing.
I make more now than what I would start out making at many places, if you include my healthcare and benefits.
And that is not even the real reason I don't want to go into publishing anymore.
I just lost interest.

Maybe this is just a bad case of senioritis.

But I just don't even want to look for a job.
I don't even care that I am graduating.
I don't feel like I have really accomplished anything.
Did I set my goals too high?
Did I really have my heart set on grad school?
I need to do something that I am passionate about.

And when I am more passionate about working at a grocery store than I am at the thought of publishing all the books in the world, that makes me rethink some things.

1 comment:

  1. It'll all come together Kait! Give it time, and and you'll find soemthing you love. You are so smart, I know you'll be successful at anything you chose to do!

    I love you!!!