I want a big life. I don't want to be stuck in an office from the moment I finish college until who knows when. But I don't know what I mean by this.
I don't have the money to travel. But I want to travel. In all honesty I could MAKE it work... maybe... but the lack of security would scare me.
My boyfriend and I had talked about moving out west for a winter when I graduate. I would LOVE to do this. But I can't help looking at it as putting my life on hold. At least that is what first pops into my head, because if we did go out west, I would likely be waiting to find a job. A real job. You know, that has SOMETHING to do with my degree. I immediately get the feeling that I am just prolonging the process of figuring out my life.
But then I realize: this is something that I want to do. This is something that I may not be able to do later on in my life. I want to raise a family in MN, so if I go out west it should be now. It is not putting my life on hold. It is living my life.
But I have that voice in my head (one of an unnamed family member who I know just wants what is best for me) that this is stupid. That I need to start looking for jobs now so I can maybe get one. That I am actually slacking off on my future because I haven't applied anywhere yet. (I'm stuck on writing a cover letter)
There are other reasons that I would not be able to go. It just doesn't seem very possible or even probable.
I always SAY I am going to do something. Then I never go through with it. I just hide behind my books, my lack of money, or whatever is convenient.
I just can't help feeling sometimes that life is passing me by. I shouldn't feel this. I am too young to feel this. But sometimes I take on the mindset of someone much older.
I'm not saying that I am mature for my age or anything like that. I am just saying that I feel the worries... the ticking clock... that anyone in their early twenties probably shouldn't feel. Or at least not worry about as much as I do.
Can you tell I am nervous for graduation??
All that is on my mind is my future...