Thursday, January 21, 2010

Big life

I want a big life. I don't want to be stuck in an office from the moment I finish college until who knows when. But I don't know what I mean by this.
I don't have the money to travel. But I want to travel. In all honesty I could MAKE it work... maybe... but the lack of security would scare me.

My boyfriend and I had talked about moving out west for a winter when I graduate. I would LOVE to do this. But I can't help looking at it as putting my life on hold. At least that is what first pops into my head, because if we did go out west, I would likely be waiting to find a job. A real job. You know, that has SOMETHING to do with my degree. I immediately get the feeling that I am just prolonging the process of figuring out my life.

But then I realize: this is something that I want to do. This is something that I may not be able to do later on in my life. I want to raise a family in MN, so if I go out west it should be now. It is not putting my life on hold. It is living my life.

But I have that voice in my head (one of an unnamed family member who I know just wants what is best for me) that this is stupid. That I need to start looking for jobs now so I can maybe get one. That I am actually slacking off on my future because I haven't applied anywhere yet. (I'm stuck on writing a cover letter)

There are other reasons that I would not be able to go. It just doesn't seem very possible or even probable.
I always SAY I am going to do something. Then I never go through with it. I just hide behind my books, my lack of money, or whatever is convenient.

I just can't help feeling sometimes that life is passing me by. I shouldn't feel this. I am too young to feel this. But sometimes I take on the mindset of someone much older.
I'm not saying that I am mature for my age or anything like that. I am just saying that I feel the worries... the ticking clock... that anyone in their early twenties probably shouldn't feel. Or at least not worry about as much as I do.

Can you tell I am nervous for graduation??
All that is on my mind is my future...

1 comment:

  1. You are just voicing what most people are thinking in their heads and feeling in their hearts. You really need to talk to Jennessa. Do think she wasn't scared when she moved away?

    So what if you aren't working at a job in your paticular field right off the bat? What if you go and you work at a job thats not really it but some how, over time you find yourself? What if you go and you find a job doing what you think your suppose to do but find you don't like it?

    Which is most successful? What each of us defines as success is going to be different. So what if you fall down and fail...if you find yourself along the way, in my eyes you are a success.

    If you just give in and accept whatever comes and play it safe, but you are not happy then I womder are you being authentic?

    Honestly Kailtyn, I don't think you will be truly happy unless you live authentically. Be true to you.

    I hope you know I will love you, as will your family, no matter what you choose to do. Go after your dreams Kaitlyn! XX