I have been reading Lori's blog lately about her going through a rough time getting off antidepressants. It is heart wrenching. It is also really scary. I briefly thought about doing the same thing. As I have said before, I don't feel like I should have gone on them in the first place.
But now I wonder.
My anxiety is starting to surface again.
As impossible as it seems, I need to slowly cut caffeine from my diet. I am down to two caffeinated beverages a day. I know that still sounds like a lot, but during school I drink way too much.
I decided this last week (?) I think. Just because my anxiety in general is worse. But now coffee makes me ill. If I drink more than one small cup in the morning, or whenever, I shake, I become dizzy and weak, my heart pounds, and I can't focus.
Now, the shaking has become permanent. It is actually making my art class really difficult because I never have a steady hand anymore.
And now the coffee makes my entire body shake. I literally tremble.
I have to mentally calm myself nearly five times a day.
And I don't know where this is coming from!
Last semester I was fine... and I had 18 credits and was working weekends. I read 12 novels, 2 short stories, and about 27 poets, 8 or 9 philosophers works, and learned Old English which included translating 300 lines a night. You would have thought that if I was going to have another breakdown it would have happened then, right? But I made it through. I will never do that again. It was hard, I didn't sleep much. But I made it through, and even got decent grades.
This semester is a piece of cake compared to that. All I really have to worry about is writing my senior thesis. Other than that, I have little assignments to turn in. Nothing compared to the 45 pages of prose that was due at the end of term last semester (that is not including what papers I wrote before final assignments)!
But here I am, nervous as all hell. Unable to steady my hand. Never ending headache from a sore neck. Sore neck from sleeping funny or not at all. Having nightmares, again. Easily forgetting things because I am so distracted by nothing. Forgetting to take my medicine, which totally messes up my equilibrium so I can barely stand.
It's weird though. I have all these physical symptoms of anxiety. I feel nervous and scared. But nothing is on my mind. Mentally and emotionally, I feel okay. I mean, I am a little nervous about what will happen after graduation... but not that nervous. I have a great job now, and if I had to work there another year or two before I found a job that I like, I could live with that. (which doesn't mean that I am not looking...)
So I don't know what is going on. But it is making class harder.
Fluorescent lights bother me when I am in this state of mind. They can make my vision blurry or tunnel-like.
I have a doctor appointment coming up, but it's not til March. I actually had to cancel my last two. I have a hard time scheduling appointments when I am in class for the majority of their office hours and my work schedule changes every week.
I got scolded for canceling my last one. This means that I have been on the phone with various people multiple times to get my prescriptions filled.
I know I need to go. And I should probably be seeing a psychologist also. But I am just done with doctors. I have not had a therapist that I ever felt like I could open up to. And I do NOT like psychiatrists. They just talk to you for ten minutes. Give you some pills. And send you on your way. They don't know a damn thing about me or my life.
I am just so sick of it. I never want to go. Sometimes I have been convinced that seeing a therapist helps. And I guess it had at various times. But I am not good at telling people things about my life without feeling some sort of judgment from them or being completely embarrassed and uncomfortable. So, I think that I omit things when I go. I actually convince myself that I am totally okay, great in fact, regardless of if I am, when I go. And that convinces them that I am fine also.
I mean, do I talk to them about simply how I feel, physically and emotionally? Or do I talk about situations going on in my life? Do I talk about my sex life, or problems with friends, or things that I think even though I know they are stupid and wrong? Like my weight gain. No one can tell that I have gained a lot of weight. But I still feel fat some days. (Logically, I know that I am not, but that doesn't always change how I feel)
I have good days and bad days. Generally the good outweigh the bad. And on the good days, it is hard for me to recollect the bad. So if I am at the doctors on a good day, chances are, I won't even be able to think of something wrong in my life. That is just how I am.
Most of the time, I think that is a blessing.