Low key Friday night, although not for lack of trying. The problem with having so many work friends is that they are always at work! And just about all my other friends have crappy retail jobs, so they are at work too. I'm just getting sick of only having a social life after ten pm.
But to be honest, I am enjoying a night home. I haven't done anything today since class. I went grocery shopping with Jonathan, and then we rented a movie ($1.99 coupon for blockbuster!) and watched it. Now he is sleeping because that is what he does, and I am eating goldfish crackers and drinking wine :)
I played around with ink for a bit. I brought home some old calligraphy pens and ink from the last time I was at my parents. The purpose of it was to write out the epic battle scene in Beowulf in Old English for a friend of ours as a little Christmas present. I haven't got it done yet. I have the opening of the poem, but the battle scene is much much longer. It sounds kinda dorky, but it looks pretty cool.
But now I am trying to do some ink drawings with the pens, which is interesting because I have only done dotted ink drawings and that doesn't really work with these pens... So now I am covered in ink and have a kinda goofy looking picture of half a face :)
But anyway, the reason that I am happy to be home tonight and not out with friends is because I am starting to feel panicky again. I hate this feeling and it has been about two years since I have felt this way. And of course I start to now when I am considering going off medication, right? Well, that is probably part of the reason. Another is stress from school, as well as trying to find jobs and figure out what to do with my life. Another is caffeine.
I had almost forgotten that dealing with anxiety shapes every aspect of my life. I notice much more severely than most when I am eating unhealthily or not exercising enough. I am so conscious of every slight change in my body... rising heart rate, change in vision due to florescent lights, slight change in equilibrium, tightening muscles, heavier breath, adrenaline pumping through my body causing every slight change to be as severe as a slap in the face. It turns me into a hypochondriac.
I have to start taking sleep aids again because I can't calm down for just a minute.
I really hate this.
But I am not where I have been before. I just stated the REASONS for feeling this way. Reasons that I can mostly change, and other that I can't but can at least realize that it is okay. I can start exercising, cut caffeine out of my diet (slowly so I don't sleep through a week of classes), and I already bought healthier food.
Speaking of which, tonight's dessert was a yogurt and fruit smoothie :) so delicious!
But anyway, my point is that there is really no reason to be scared or panicking. I know now what I can do to change things to make my life easier, more comfortable, and much more healthy. I just have to start doing it.